Dosa

Sesekali bila kau menghilang,
Aku tertanya, apa yang kau cari.

Sesekali bila kau mendiam,
Aku tertanya apa yang kau fikir.

Jawapannya selalu sama.
Aku. Kau. Dia. Kita. Mereka.

Maaf.
Sungguh aku amat berdosa.
Aku sedar.
Kerana telah mengganggu silaturrahim mu.
Dengan dia.
Dengan mereka.
Silaturrahim kita.
Maaf.

~najwa
p/s: Sungguh kau amat kuat. Aku tahu. Kerana aku tahu kau dah mula membaca semula. Tapi kau diamkan. Maaf.

Rindu

Biar engkau selalu merindu yang jauh dari mata,
Yang dekat tidak kau rindu,
Itu tidak mengapa.

Biar aku selalu merindu yang dekat dengan aku,
Yang jauh aku lupakan.

Sungguh selepas ini aku tidak akan makan hati.
Jika rindu yang kau luahkan semua untuk yang jauh.

Kerana rindu aku padamu akan aku diamkan.
Rindu aku padamu akan aku sampaikan padaNya.

Biar hanya Dia yang tahu.
Biar Dia yang merawat luka ini.
Biar hanya Dia.

Cukup bagiku Allah.

~najwa

Lempar. Semua.

Marah.
Benci.
Marah.
Caci.
Maki.

Lempar.
Lempar semua ke aku.

Jangan simpan.
Jangan pendam.
Jangan biar berbaki.

Aku tahu aku layak.

Maaf.

~najwa
p/s: These apologies. Should I give it again? Maybe. Maybe right before the semester break. Lower your ego. Nak pertahankan apa lagi bila kawan sendiri dah panggil kau 'BITCH' dan 'WANITA PSYCHO'? Sesungguhnya memang aku tak pasti sama ada Tweet tu untuk aku ke tak. Tapi tak mustahil Tweet tu memang untuk aku. So, still nak salahkan orang ke?

Loser like Me.

Isn't it ironic.
How you can be
Such a cheesy person,
Such a hopeless romantic,
Such a sucker for love,
Such a devoted lover,
Such a gooey person

But in the end,
You ended up being the loser.
You ended up being the lonely one.
You ended up being second to other people.
You ended up being the one always left behind.
You ended up being other people's last resort.

I know because it happened to me.

I've been in love with my friends, and I lost.
I've been in love with my family, and I lost.
I've been in love with boys, and I lost.
I've been in love with girls, and I lost.
I've been in love with strangers, and I lost.

I'm a sore loser when it comes to love.

Isn't it ironic,
How you're really devoted to love,
But love doesn't really want you around them.

Such a loser.

Loser like me.

Guess I'm better off alone anyway.

~najwa
p/s: A huge confession and fuck every sound of the door. And I stopped counting days. For I know that it'll hurt more when I counted the days when you were never there.

Thousand Apologies

All the time through this semester, I've messed up.
Being uber selfish.

Doing shit to people.
Doing shit to my studies.
Doing shit to myself.

I ignored other people's feelings.
I put mine first.
And at times, I put other's first.
Until that one time when my own heart bleeds,
I woke up, realizing my mistake
and continued to ignore other people's feelings.
And it goes on and on and on.

And after all these time, what did I won?
A friendship.
From one particular person.
Who is in need of someone other than me.
Who sacrifices her own friendship for a brat like me.
Who cries as she remembers her other half.
Who swallow all her feelings away as she was with me but reminiscing other people.
Who remains strong even after everything.

And after all these time, what did I lose?
A lot more.
A few friends.
Respect.
Sense of belonging.
Sense of being a social butterfly.
Self-respect.
Time for myself.

Despite all the things that I lost,
And all the things that I selfishly won,
There's still a hole in me.
I guess, greed and selfishness won't do you justice.
And won't guarantee you peace.

For that I am very sorry.
For my greed and my selfishness caused you, you and you major losses.
Just to keep up with my attitude.
Sorry.

Next semester
I'll try to be better.

Even though there's a thousand of apologies stated here,
I know none of you will read this.
But I just hope that Allah will send all my prayers to you guys.

Sorry.

Rindu kalian. Sangat. Teramat. Sorry. :'(

~najwa
p/s: Not hoping to get the friendship back. Just a simple relationship will do. And I'll try to fix myself over the semester break.

What Keeps Us Together

So we fought.
Hard.

We shouted at each other's face.
We cried.
We sobbed.
We talked.
We yelled.
I hit.

But still together.
But still need each other.
But still don't want to leave each other.

Love.

That is what it is.

That's what keeps us together.

~najwa
p/s: Sorry I hit you. :'(

Appresiasi

Terlalu banyak aku tinggalkan.
Hanya untuk kau.

Sahabat.
Kerja.
Tanggungjawab.
Masa.

Hanya untuk kau.
Hanya kerna sayang.

Tapi..

~najwa
p/s: Not asking for repayment. Just a little appreciation.

Kau.

Sebab yang selalu pendam,
itu kau.
Sebab yang selalu sabar,
itu kau.
Sebab yang selalu diam,
itu kau.
Sebab yang selalu tahan,
itu kau.

Sebab itu kau,
yang selalu pergi.

~najwa

Tak Pernah. Maaf.

Tak.
Tak pernah pun.
Tak pernah pun anggap kau bodoh.

Maaf.
Cuma aku tak suka bising-bising tentang benda yang dah jadi.

Maaf.
Cuma aku tak suka kerja under pressure, then orang bebel kat aku.

Maaf.
Tak berniat nak buat kau marah.
Jauh sekali buat kau menangis.
Dan menyakiti diri sendiri.

Maaf.
Aku akan cuba lakukan yang terbaik.

Demi 33 hari akan datang.

~najwa
p/s: Satu lagi hari waste dengan tangisan, kemarahan dan kesedihan. *sigh*

Motif?

What's the point of having each other around when all we did was hurting each other?

~najwa
p/s: Keep calm. 34 hari je lagi. *wink*

Sini Sana

Kenapa perlu selalu sakit hati?
Kenapa perlu selalu pedih hati?
Kenapa perlu sedih selalu?
Kenapa perlu berhasad selalu?
Kenapa perlu menangis selalu?
Kenapa perlu cemburu selalu?
Kenapa perlu marah selalu?

Kenapa perlu selalu luah disini?
Sedangkan kau patut bersujud atas tikar sejadah sana.
Luah pada Dia.
Merengek, merayu, menangis, meronta hanya pada Dia.
Bukan menyalak sini.

~najwa
p/s: Untuk aku saja bha ini. *sigh* Tapi tetap tak bangun2. Apa yang liat sgt ntah.

Silent Request

Memang aku tak bagi tahu agenda aku
Sebab aku tahu apa kau akan cakap.
Sebab aku tahu apa reaction aku nanti.

Jadi, aku peruntukkan 40 hari aku untuk kau.
It's a silent request.
For you to spend the 40 days with me and me only.
It's a silent request.

Tapi dalam setiap masa selama 40 hari tu yang kau tak ada bersama aku,
aku relakan.
Aku redhakan.

It's your loss
It's not a threat.
It's a silent request.
That I hope for you to understand and realize yourself.
Without me having to tell you everything.
Without me having make you see everything.
Now I want you to see for yourself.

Tak apa kalau dalam moment 40 hari tu kau tak nak bersama aku.
Aku relakan.
Aku redhakan.

Jangan nanti lepas 40 hari kau dambakan moment dengan aku.

Again, it's not a threat.
It's a silent request and it's your loss if you don't understand it.

Sekarang, tinggal 34 hari.

May the odds be always in your favour.

~najwa

Mata + Hati

Hati dan mata saling berhubung.

Bila hati luluh, mata berpeluh.
Bila mata dah berpeluh, hati mengeluh.

Hati kata, 'Okay. Dah. Cukup. Sambung lain kali.'

Tapi mata dah penat.
Mata dah pedih.
Mata dah tak larat.

Hati bila lagi?

~najwa

p/s: Terus tenang, 34 hari je lagi. *wink*

Setitik dua + Analogi Mata Hati

Disebabkan hati dah terbiasa pedih,
Disebabkan hati dah terbiasa sakit.

Dan mata dah faham kehendak hati,

Jadi mengalir setitik dua air mata dah memadai.

Untuk membasuh luka di hati.

Mengalir setitik dua,
Hati terus kata,

'Tak apa.
Setitik dua je.
Simpan yang lain sebab kelak pasti nak titiskan lagi.
Jadi jangan membazir sekarang.'

~najwa

p/s: Analoginya begini,

1. Bila terjadi, hati pedih gila sampai tahap meronta memaki menghamun.
2. Mata automatik faham apa yang hati mahu. Titiskan setitik dua peluh mata.
3. Hati sedikit tenang. Mulut teruskan conversation, seperti hati tak pernah sakit.
4. Dan terus senyum. Pahit.

How?

How can I possibly leave you when only giving you hints made you cry?
How can I possibly leave you when I can't stand watching you cry?

How?

Tell me how.

Because I just love you so.

~najwa

35 days

35 days.
That was all the time I reckon I have for us.

And up to the 35 days, I'll try my very best not to hurt you.

To compromise.
To understand you.
To let you do what you wanted to.

But after the 35 days,

Please compromise.
Please understand me.
Please let me do what I wanted to do.

~najwa

Feel

How I sometimes feel:

~najwa

Sneak out

Tak perlu sneak out behind my back.
Sebab macam mana pun, aku tetap boleh hidu.

Kau rindu dia, dia rindu kau.
Kau perlu dia, dia perlu kau.
Kau cari dia, dia cari kau.
Kau mahu dia, dia mahu kau.
Kau pergi pada dia, dia pergi pada kau.

Tak perlu sneak out.

35 hari je lagi.

Lepas ni aku bagi korang kebebasan sepenuhnya.

Cuma aku mintak,
Untuk 35 hari akan datang,
Tolong benarkan aku sayang kau sepenuhnya.

Supaya lepas 35 hari,
Aku akan bisa berhenti.

~najwa

Sayang

Aku kau sayang.
Dia kau seyyang.

Semua pun kau sayang.

Maafkan aku sebab tamakkan kau.

Sekejap je.

35 hari je lagi aku tamakkan kau.

Tolong kosongkan 35 hari kau hanya untuk aku.

Lepas ni aku akan pulangkan kau pada dia balik.

Okay?

Oteyy.

~najwa

Lembu

Bagai lembu di cucuk hidung.

Di suruh pergi, pergi.
Di suruh tinggal, tinggal.
Di suruh masak, masak.
Di suruh makan, makan.
Di suruh itu, itu.
Di suruh sana, sana.

Bagai lembu di cucuk hidung.

Hanya kerna sayang.

Tak apa, 37 hari je lagi.

~najwa

Terkadang

Terkadang kita sanggup melakukan apa saja untuk orang yang kita sayang.
Dan yang paling memedihkan bila dia tak faham pengorbanan tu.
Tak berusaha untuk tengok usaha kita untuk dia.

Belum lali.
Tapi dah biasa rasa seperti ini.
Dengan suatu yang pernah dulu pun pernah terjadi.

~najwa

p/s: Baru tinggal sekejap. Dah cari orang lain. Tak ada guna aku rushing buat kerja tadi. Chett.

Doesn't Really Matter

I guess it doesn't really matter now that you know half of my story and I yours.

We just have to let it be and move on.

We just have to accept the fact we once need each other to spill our personal problems.

But not anymore.

Now I just have to learn to deal with it on my own.

~najwa

Tumpah

Dah lama tak menumpahkan air mata.
Tolong jangan tumpah sekarang.

Penat bina benteng hati.
Penat telan semua perit.
Biar simpan sampai mati.
Agar tiada yang sakit.

Lagi.

Agar tiada yang sakit lagi.

Tolong jangan tumpah sekarang.

~najwa

Sekarang

Atau mungkin harus mula sekarang?
Atau mungkin harus pergi sekarang?

~najwa

Hari ni je.

Semester ni je.
Hari ni je.
Berbaki lagi 37 hari je.

Boleh tak aku request kau dan full attention kau pada aku je?

Semester ni je.
Hari ni je.

Lepas ni aku pulangkan kau kat dia.
Sebab kau rindu dia.
Sebab kau rasa sunyi even bila kau dengan aku.
Aku tahu.

~najwa

p/s: Sorry tak boleh jadi peneman sebaik dia, yang boleh mengajak kau ke arah yang lebih baik.

Pintu

With every sound of the door,
I hope it was you.
Finally decided to come back to me.

*feeling hopeful*

~najwa

Leave or Stay

When leaving and staying are both hard to do.
I have no other choice,
but to leave.

Because it seems like the fairest thing to do.
To me.
To you.
To her.
To everybody.

~najwa

King

I might be treating you like a king today.
But i don't promise you the same tomorrow.

~najwa

Dia

Pernah sekali dia datang mengetuk hati.
Tapi aku tak bukak pintu hati.
Hanya kerana ego.
Sebab dia lebih muda.

Sepanjang berkenalan, dia banyak tegur aku.
Perlahan-lahan mencuba untuk mengubah aku ke arah yang lebih baik.
Tapi aku pekakkan telinga.
Hanya kerana ego.
Sebab aku rasa dia lebih muda.
Dan aku rasa seperti dia tak tahu apa yang dia buat.
Dan bagi aku masa tu, 'I'll do what I want'. ‘Kau siapa nk ubah aku?'

Ego.
Bodoh sombong.

Sampai ke sudah dia try nk bukak pintu hati aku.
Tapi aku tak bukak.
Sebab aku rasa aku belum bersedia.
Sebab pernah dikecewakan oleh suatu yang pernah.

Ego.
Bodoh sombong.

Sampai sekarang dia still text, tanya khabar semua.
Tapi kadang-kadang je aku layan.

Ego.
Bodoh sombong.

Dan baru ni aku nampak kat Facebook dia,
aku rasa dia dah bertunang.
Dan tunggu masa nak kahwin.

Tunang dia nampak macam seorang yang baik.
Jauh lebih baik daripada aku.
Mungkin itu rezeki dia.
Allah selamatkan dia daripada seseorang yang sekotor aku,
dan telah mengurniakan dia seorang srikandi berduri yang suci.
Rezeki dia.

Dan tiba-tiba aku sedih.
Sebab terlalu ego.
Dan terlalu bodoh sombong.

Kenapa dulu tak pernah terfikir yang dulu mungkin dia hadir dalam hidup aku untuk mengubah aku yang kotor ni..?

Sekarang baru terasa rugi.
Bukan senang orang sebaik tu nak muncul dalam hidup, bersedia nak bagi hati pada orang macam aku.

Biasalah manusia,
bila dah hilang daripada pandangan, baru nak menghargai.

Tapi tak apa, kehilangan dia mungkin kerana Allah nak kurniakan aku seorang yang lebih baik.
Sepertimana kehilangan aku telah menemukan dia dengan srikandi berduri tersebut.

Alhamdulillah :)

Tahniah sahabat.

Semoga berkekalan. Amiin.

~najwa

F dan A

Selalunya aku akan cakap F & A kat kau.
'Forever and Always.'

Terkadang bila kau dengan dia,
aku bukan marah sebab jeles.
aku bukan cari pasal sebab jeles.
aku bukan bermasalah sebab jeles.

Tapi aku sedih.
Marah.
Bukan pada kau.
Pada diri sendiri.
Sebab terlalu 'attached' dengan kau.
Sehingga tak mampu berdiri.
Tak mampu berdikari.
Tak mampu mandiri.

Sebab bila kau dengan dia,
aku akan rasa F & A jugak.

Forever Alone.

~najwa

Cermin 2

Cermin
Cermin
Cermin.

Cermin sampai pecah.
Mungkin macam tu baru terjaga.

~najwa

Either Or

Kalau tak 'Kenapa suka cari pasal?'
Mesti 'Apa masalah awak ni?'
Atau 'Masalah la awak ni.'

Ye.
Aku je yang bermasalah.

*sigh*

~najwa

Tamak

Hidup tak boleh tamak.
Kau tak boleh nak dia dengan serentak kau tak nak dia.
Kau tak boleh nak dia dengan serentak kau tak nak orang nak dia.
Kau tak boleh tak nak dia dengan serentak kau tak nak orang nak dia.
Kau tak boleh nak aku dengan serentak kau nak dia.
Kau tak boleh tak nak aku dengan serentak kau tak nak orang lain nak aku.
Kau tak boleh nak aku dengan serentak kau tak nak aku.

Kalau nak dia, pergi.
Kalau tak nak dia, tinggalkan.

Kalau nak aku, ambil.
Kalau tak nak aku, pergi.

Orang bukan boneka.
Orang punya perasaan.

Kau tak boleh tamak.
Kau dah dewasa.
Kau boleh fikir.
Hidup bukan berdasarkan kau je.

~najwa

Cermin.

Sering marah atas kesalahan aku.
Sering menyuruh aku cermin diri.
Sering aku cermin diri.
Hingga cermin cemuih dengan diri.
Cuba engkau pula yang cermin diri.
Terlalu kerap mahu orang cermin diri.
Engkau lupa rupa diri engkau.
Cuba engkau cermin diri.
Mungkin engkau akan nampak,
kenapa aku selalu kau salahkan.

~najwa

Hak berperasaan.

Tahu marah bila aku cari orang lain.
Tapi marah aku bila kau cari orang lain, pernah kau cuba fahamkan?
Marah aku bila kau cari orang lain, kau akan keluarkan ayat ni,
'Awak ni kenapa?'
'Kenapa selalu cari pasal?'

Paham kerana dulu sering buat perangai.
Tarik muka.
Diam seribu.

Tapi kerana tu, sekarang dah tak ada hak nak punya perasaan.
Asal marah, dikata cari pasal.
Asal cemburu, dikata cari pasal.
Asal sedih, dikata cari pasal.
Asal diam pun dikata cari pasal.
Orang lain cari pasal, pun aku yang dikata cari pasal.
Sikit-sikit cari pasal.

Tak punya hak berperasaan.
Tak punya.

~najwa

p/s: Jangan sampai suatu hari nanti aku benar-benar tak punya perasaan dan cari pasal.

Pergi. Cari orang lain.

'Lepas ni kita berdua je la.
Sebab awak tak boleh masuk dengan kawan saya,
saya tak boleh masuk dengan kawan awak.'

Okay.

Tapi kenapa masih cari dia?
Tapi kenapa masih tak boleh luah kat aku?
Tapi kenapa pergi ke dia bila kau rasa stres?

Marah aku cari orang lain,
Tapi sedar tak kau yang selalu pergi cari orang lain?

Sebab macam mana pun aku, tak akan pernah cukup.
Kau akan sentiasa lari.
Sebab macam mana pun kau, memadai bagi aku.
Aku tak akan lari.

Pergi. Jika mahu.
Aku tak sanggup kau datang dan pergi.

Stay. Jika mahu.
Tapi pastikan kau dah bersedia untuk tidak pergi lagi.

~najwa

Biar

Biar orang buat kita, jangan kita buat orang.

Sampai terluka.
Sampai berdarah.
Sampai bernanah.
Sampai berkudis.

Biar.

Nanti akan lali.

~najwa

Semua Salah

Menyayangi.
Sehingga semua membenci.
Sehingga semua mencaci.
Sehingga semua menghukum.

Membenci.
Sehingga semua membenci.
Sehingga semua mencaci.
Sehingga semua menghukum.

Manusia memang tak adil.

~najwa

Rubber Band

Tarik rapat-rapat.
Rapat dengan kau.
Kemudian kau lepas.
Lepas jauh daripada kau.

Selalu.
Biasa diperlakukan begitu.

Tarik rapat-rapat.
Rapat dengan kau.
Sehingga rasa tak perlu yang lain.
Sehingga rasa memang berdua sampai ke mati,
Kemudian kau lepas.
Lepas jauh daripada kau.
Lepas jauh sampai unreachable.
Lepas jauh sampai rasa dibuang.

Selalu.
Biasa diperlakukan begitu.

Sampai lali.
Sampai tak larat nak lali.
Mungkin harus sampai aku tawar hati.
Baru hati tak sakit.

Mungkin aku harus tawar hati.
Sebab aku sakit jadi bahan mainan 'rubber band' kau.

~najwa

You

Hey you.
Yea you.

How are you?
Is everything okay?
Did you arrive safely?

I miss you already.

It's going to be a very long week after this.

I love you. I miss you. Good night Munky Boo.

:)

~najwa

p/s: Thank you for a very great week together. Walaupun terperap je, I had so much fun. As long as it is with you, kan? ;)

If There Was No You - Brandi Carlile

When I see myself, I'm seeing you too
As long as I remember it I'm feeling like I knew
That my jokes aren't funny the truth isn't true
If there was no you

If you were my boat in the deep blue sea
I'd probably sink you down
I know I should have thanked you for carrying me
But for you I would happily drown

All along your way
The darkest night, the longest day
I know what to say to make you laugh

And nothing you could do
Could make me turn my back on you
When you're looking for a fight I'm your man
When you need a friend you got my hand

What I really mean, what I'm trying hard to say is that
I'm counting on you and you got me too
My secrets aren't safe, I'm singing out of tune
If there was no you, if there was no you

All along your way
The darkest night, the longest day
I know what to say to make you laugh

And nothing you could do
Could make me turn my back on you
When you're looking for a fight I'm your man

When you need a friend you got my hand
When you need a friend you got my hand
You got my hand

~najwa

p/s: First time dengar terus suka lagu ni sebab lyrics dia.

p/p/s: Cause it's a musical kind of day with Mak Uda. :)

What Hurts The Most - Rascal Flatts

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ‘em out

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
(Much to say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do, oh
Oh yeah

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
(To say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Not seein' that lovin' you
That's what I was trying to do, ooo

~najwa

p/s: All applause goes to Rascal Flatts for such great music and such great lyrics :)

p/p/s: This has got absolutely nothing to do with what I'm feeling right now. But who knows I might need these one day.

God and His plans

"Tuhan bergerak dengan misteri dan kebijaksanaan Dia."

"the only person you need to beat--
is the yesterday you.

kita sedar diri.
pelan2 kayuh.
dan jangan busuk hati."

[Fynn Jamal]

Fair point well made kak Fynn. Thank you.

~najwa

Gaduh

Gaduh time sekolah menengah senang nak lari. Boleh apply untuk tukar sekolah.
Gaduh time matrik, boleh tahan lagi. Sebab matrik setahun dua je.
Tapi gaduh sekarang, masa universiti?

Nak pindah?
Memang tak la. Dah la course aku ni susah nak dapat kat U lain.

Nak berenti?
Aku punye kelayakan ni tak cukup lagi untuk terus stop belajar.

The only way was to bear with it for another 3 years. I hope I am strong enough to go through all this.

~najwa

p/s: Luah sini sebab aku dalam proses memboikot Twitter.

Good things

Good thing I get to be the first to bring you to IKEA to eat meatballs.
Good thing I went to see Fynn Jamal with you.
Good thing I get to spend the whole day of the 6th of July with you.
Good thing I get to buy hamper things with you for the PEKA program.
Good thing I get to do all the nicest, fun things with you.
I hope you feel the same.
I miss you.
But I know that we'll never get to do those things again.
And the thought of it hurts me.

~najwa

What bugs me

Maybe what bugs me the most was the fact that you are not around and you don't reply me. Let alone waiting for you to start texting me first. Memang tak la.

~najwa

p/s: Yes. I'm clingy and very dependent like that when it comes to intimate relationship. Hence explains why I am so 'manja'.

p/p/s: Have you forgotten me? Did you not miss me? :(

Currently

Currently thinking of ways to avoid you.
Currently thinking of ways to be away from you.
Currently trying to erase these feelings.
Currently trying to find your replacement (which of course will never be as perfect as you. THIS is HARD. And if I can, I never want to do this).
Currently browsing through other universities that offers my course.
Currently doing anything that would take my mind of you.
Currently.
Currently.
Currently.



But how I wish things are easier for us so that I never have to do all of these things. So that both of us remain unhurt.

~najwa

p/s: Need to find work ASAP so that I can stop thinking of YOU. Thinking of you tears me apart.

Ramadhan

So today is the second day of Ramadhan.

The month where we should control our nafs.
The month where we should do good deeds.
The month where we should do nice things.
The month where we should do soul cleansing.
The month where we should repent.

I guess that is what she's doing now.
I guess I should do the same.

I am too messed up to begin with.
It's time to wake up.

~najwa

p/s: Heart is no longer here. Heart is with you. It will always be with you even though I'm with other people. It will always be with you. This heartbreak is killing me.

Kau, Aku tak suka

Aku paling tak suka bila kau berahsia
Bila kau susah cerita

Tapi aku tahu.
Aku tak boleh buat apa
Aku tak boleh paksa

Sebab hak bukan milik aku

Kan?

~najwa

p/s: Hari pertama Ramadhan dah 'banjir'. Tapi yang tu takpe. Yang tu boleh cover sebab masa tu tengah tengok cerita 'The Last Song'. Hari kedua Ramadhan lebih mencabar rupanya. Hari kedua terus mandi air mata lepas baca semua tu.. Esok macam mana pulak? :|

Dah tak ada

Dah tak ada gambar2 tu kat akaun kau.
Tak apa.
Aku faham.

~najwa

p/s: Tipu kalau kata tak sedih. Berair-air mata. Meleleh-leleh air mata. Tapi sampai bila gambar 'aku' nak terus menghiasi akaun kau kan? Takpe. Aku faham

p/p/s: Rasa macam nak deactivate akaun Twitter. What good does it do when every time you log in, you ended up crying because the Tweets there hurt you so bad.

p/p/p/s: I guess that means I'm going to lose my shoulder to cry on. The only person that can stand hearing me babbling. The only person that understands me. :'((((

maybe

maybe we should just part ways
maybe we need time away from each other
maybe
just maybe
that way
we can finally think clearly
think rationally
and go our own way

back to earth
back to life
back to reality

returning to our life where we'll live in denial
that our hearts are one
but are never together

~najwa

Dan bila putus...

Dan jika putus,
Jika semua putus, adakah kita akan berlagak seperti saling tak kenal?
Seperti kita tak pernah bebal?
Seperti kita sudah sesal?

Itu kah?

Pasti pedih jika itu jalan penyelesaiannya.

~najwa

Terkadang

Terkadang aku terfikir.

Apa jalan penyelesaian kita?

Putuskan semua yang ada dan lupa segala yang ada...

Atau terus, terus dan terus maju tanpa ada salah apa?

~najwa

My Other Half

Marah aku, kau yang redakan.
Senyap aku, hanya kau yang mampu hilangkan.
Bahagia aku, kau gembira.
Sedih aku, kau sakit bila tahu.
Sakit aku, kau jagakan.

What more can I say?
You complete me.
You are, my other half.

~najwa

Tanya, Jawab, Salah

Terkadang aku tanyakan pada diri sendiri
Kenapa begini?
Bagaimana boleh terjadi?

Stres?
Tak kuat iman?
Nafsu?
Kecewa dengan yang sebelum ini?

Atau memang kerana perasaan sebenar?
Perasan selesa dan terasa dilindungi apabila ada yang memahami diri ini lebih daripada diri ini faham diri sendiri.

Aku tak tahu.
Yang aku tahu ia salah.
Tapi aku tetap sayangkan kau.

Sayang sangat.
Sehingga tak tahu macam mana nak menghapus perasaan itu.

Sekian.

~najwa

p/s: I miss you already. You know who you are kan? ;) [Walaupun aku tak tahu kau baca atau tak post ni.]

Cuma

Sampai satu masa;
kita tak mahu apa-apa
tak mampu fikir satu benda
tak peduli apa orang kata
hanya mahu bersama
untuk selamanya

Walaupun, itu harapan saja.
Tak mengapa.

[karya Fazleena Hishamuddin, bukan aku.]

~najwa

Hurt

Do you know what it feels like to love somebody but not being able to live with them, like for EVER and EVER?

Well, it hurts.
So bad.

So bad that I feel like it's better for me to just die in a car crash than to have to object to this pain I'm feeling.
So bad that I feel like it's better for me to just die from a disease than to have to object to this pain I'm feeling.

Yes.
It hurts that bad.

~najwa

Tapi

Hanya engkau yang faham aku.
Lebih dari aku faham aku.
Hanya engkau reti aku.
Lebih dari yang lain reti aku.
Hanya engkau tahan aku.
Labih dari yang lain tahan aku.
Hanya engkau bahu aku.
Bahu lain tak sama.
Hanya engkau tisu aku.
Tisu lain tak sama.
Hanya engkau painkiller aku.
Painkiller lain tak setanding.
Hanya engkau laughing gas aku.
Gas lain tak setanding.
Hanya engkau bantal busuk aku.
Bantal lain tak sebusuk engkau.

Hanya engkau faham aku.
Hanya engkau faham aku.
Hanya engkau faham aku.

Tapi

KENAPA HANYA ENGKAU YANG TAK BOLEH UNTUK AKU?!

~najwa

p/s: Catatan zaman rebellious dan zaman kecelaruan.

Jika ada

Yang sompek itu aku
Yang buruk itu aku
Yang pecah itu aku
Yang cacat itu aku
Yang busuk itu aku
Yang cela itu aku
Yang kosong itu aku
Yang kurang itu aku.

Jadi jika ada mana-mana yang masih sanggup menerima aku, memenuhkan aku, mencantum pecah aku, aku terima. Nuff said.


~najwa

p/s: Because I am one messed up kid.

PATHETIC

Daripada Fynn Jamal. Mengenai perkataan 'pathetic'.

Katanya,

"we see this word being thrown around everyday. mungkin sebab kita just dengar selalu-- jadi kita adapt. banyak masa, penggunaannya salah situasi. kelas english ini hari adalah "pathetic". sebutnya-- /pe/ mcm sebut petai. /thae/ mcm sebut sempoi guna lidah pendek. /tik/ mcm sebut tikar. pathetic sebenarnya sangat spesifik. ia merujuk kepada orang2 yang arousing pity yakni meminta kasihan melalui cerita sedih dan kisah meleleh tahap "alaaaaahaiiiiii". maka jelas. orang2 pathetic adalah orang2 yang kita patut kasihankan kerana itulah yang dia hendak. perhatian dari orang yang sudi mengasihankan dia. dalam bahasa johor: terhegeh2. fuh. kejam, kan, definisinya? tak cukup lagi. makna kedua adalah lebih kejam. miserably inadequate yakni terlalu tak layak ke tahap miserable iaitu tahap merasa bangsat tentang diri sendiri. pergh. banyak kali kita dengar gelaran ini dibagi2 pada orang. sekarang sudah tahu makna, bukan? maka elok2. jangan main guna. sebab memanggil orang pathetic adalah antara gelaran paling bawah kita boleh bagi. ok? tak kiralah dia memang jenis menghegeh tak malu menghina diri sendiri tahap kita rasa "dah la weh memalukan diri kau" jenis KITA yang kesian dia tak kesian diri sendiri-- biarkan sahaja. jenis2 orang begini-- ubatnya adalah satu: jangan dilayan. senyapkan. dan biarkan. banyakkan doa. moga2 jenis2 manusia yang rajin mencipta kisah sedih demi perhatian dan kasihan manusia begini akan sedar-- tuhan jualah yang maha mengasihani. bukan manusia. ini adalah pesanan untuk semua. termasuk pada aku jua. berhenti2lah mencari kasih dalam kasihan orang. berhenti bercerita sedih2. mula cari yang indah2 tentang hidup kita. dan bahagia walau sekecil mana. kita ini makhluk ada harga. BUKAN pathetic."

Cukup dia yang menjelaskan perkataan ini. Semua yang aku rasa, semua ada dalam setiap kata-katanya.

~najwa

p/s: Kepada yang 'arousing pity' tu, sila lah sedarkan diri anda.

How Beautiful

"How beautiful is it to stay silent when someone expects you to be enraged from them. And how beautiful is it to laugh when someone thinks you are going to shed tears." - Asyikin Yusof

From a friend. Asyikin Yusof.

~najwa

p/s: Because I think it is beautiful. :)

Faham. Sakit rasanya.

Skarang aku faham.
Bila dia cakap dia dah tak boleh bergurau tu macam mana rasanya.
Rasa pedih.
Not being able to joke around and hang around with someone you like without ever feeling guilty.
Sorry Atiqah. Sorry..!
:'(

~najwa

p/s: Ya Allah, dah lama tak rasa macam ni. Dugaan apa yang kau turunkan ni? Rasa sedih dan pedih hati sebijik macam masa aku break up dengan Man dulu. Ya Allah, tabahkanlah hati hambaMu yang lemah ini Ya Allah. Aku mohon daripada mu Ya Allah!

p/p/s: Banyak post luahan hati kat cni sebab dah tak boleh nak Tweet dengan bebas. Sebab memasing dah ada TweetDeck. Memasing stalk memasing. Memasing tau cerita memasing. Thank you and fuck you TweetDeck. Dan sebab aku dan Atiqah terlampau rapat sampai kami tau apa maksud Tweets kami. Kannnn? Shit bila dah terlalu rapat dan terlalu memahami. SHIT.

Saya hipokrit.

Aku berkonfrontasi dengan dia si kawan baik tadi.
Kami go all out. Heart to heart.
Dia nangis. First time dia nangis. Depan aku.
Nope, scratch that. Second time.
Dia luah semua.
Then dia cakap, 'Mesti sebab kita dah terlalu rapat.'
Aku sedih. Bila ayat tu keluar dari mulut dia, aku sentap.
Sedih. Sebak. Sunyi.
Macam masa Man mula-mula nak break up dengan aku dulu.
Macam tu la aku rasa.
Kesian jugak dia. Sebab dia jenis kawan dengan semua.
Tapi sebab aku, semua orang terasa dengan dia.
Terasa macam dia lupakan dorang.
Dan baru tadi dia mengaku yang sebenarnya dia rasa awkward.
Hari tu dia tak nak mengaku.
Bersungguh-sungguh dia menipu.
Sampai mati-mati aku percaya.
Tadi sampai menangis dia nak mengaku ke-awkward-an dia tu.
Pastu dia nangis lagi.
Dia cakap dia nak gurau dengan aku.
Nak touch-touch aku.
Nak tumbuk-tumbuk aku.
Tapi sebab dia awkward, dia tak nak buat.
Then terus kitorang jadi renggang sebab da kurang bergurau senda.
Macam apa je.
Dia jarang nak mencarut.
Tapi bila dia luah tadi, bila dia nangis, dia keluar SHIT sebijik.
Aku terkejut.
Aku tak tahan da.
Tak boleh layan lagi dah perasaan ni.
Makin di layan, makin menjadi-jadi nanti.
Dah la esok nak exam Genetik.
Tapi sebelum keluar aku cakap, 'Atiqah, sorry.'
Dia tanya kenapa?
'Sebab saya lagi tua daripada awak. Saya tak sepatutnya biar semua ni terjadi.'
Then aku terus blah.
Macam tu je.

Pastu dia text, saying everything is going to be alright.
Mulanya aku tak nak reply. Aku speechless.
Tapi aku takut dia rasa serba salah and tak boleh study, so aku reply jugak.

Shit la bila terlalu rapat. Shit la bila terlalu selesa. Shit la bila nak alone pun tak boleh.
Shit la bila terlalu bergantung kat orang.
Shit la bila orang dah tak respect kita. Shit la 2nd semester ni.
Shit.
Shit.
SHIT!

Aku balik, nak study. Tapi hati tak tenteram.
Baru hati tergerak nak bukak ayat-ayat Quran, zikir-zikir.
Aku rasa hina betul. Jijik dengan diri sendiri.
Sebab bila dah jadi macam-macam SHIT macam ni, baru aku nak dengar segala bapak zikir.
HIPOKRIT.

~najwa
p/s: Nampak tak how the word awkward boleh menjahanam kan sebuah persahabatan?!

p/p/s: Saya sayang awak Atiqah. Saya suka berkawan dengan awak. Tapi kalau dah jadi macam ni, saya pun dah tak tau nak buat macam mana dah. Sorry kerana dah mencalarkan sebuah persahabatan yang suci. Sorry. :((((

FUCK the word AWKWARD

She slept at my place a few nights ago. And when she woke up, we snuggled a bit. Under my covers. We whispered, we talked, we hugged, we snuggled. Snuggled in a way best friends would do. But maybe the sight of us snuggling are just too intimate for others to see because when I peeked outside I saw one of my roomies spying on us with a disgusted look on her face. We were shocked and we went to my best friends' room. We were absolutely clueless about what happened earlier. After few minutes of discussing, we decided to act as normal as we possibly can. And when my best friend went to pick up her toothpaste from my bathroom, she saw my roomies gossiping with each other and my best friend said to me, 'By the looks of it, I knew they were talking about us.'

Since then, everything went really awkward around us. Around most of my close friends. So, I guess the news has spread. Thank you bitch. For you and your fat mouth and for ruining my social cycle. Thank you.

~najwa

p/s: Ada sedikit penipuan dalam post ini. Cari lah kalau larat.

p/p/s: Learn your lesson Wa.

Dulu dulu dulu dan Sekarang.

Aku cuma nak lepak bilik kau macam dulu.
Buat kerja kat bilik kau macam dulu.
Gurau-gurau dengan kau macam dulu.
Kongsi masalah dengan kau macam dulu.
Pegang tangan kau sebelum tido macam dulu.
Singgah bilik kau sebelum pergi kelas macam dulu.

Semua macam dulu tanpa awkward macam sekarang.

~najwa
p/s: I fucking hate the word AWKWARD!!!

An Ending

I know what we did was wrong.
I know what I did to you was wrong.
I know what we did made you feel awkward.
But for once, can't you just consider my feelings?
But for once, can't you understand that it made me feel awkward too?
It's not easy for me too.
FUCK what we did in the past time.
I am trying very hard here to try and save our friendship back.
But if you won't cooperate, then I gave up.
I won't bounce back to you.
I feel damn rejected by you already.
What you said was true; 'Don't get too close to people, it'll just hurt ourselves.'
Thank you. Now the words backfired to us.
Thanks for being such a great listener and friend before 'it' happened.

Goodbye.

~najwa
p/s: Please let me finish Degree as soon as possible! I hate the people here!

Shitty but Happy

How can you possibly be happy and shitty at the same time?

I was extremely happy today and had so much fun but then came this little girl and she ruined my day and made me feel shitty all over again.

But you know what bebe, I just need to be around the people I like just to feel happy. I don't need to be around her to make me feel bad about me self.

~najwa

p/s: I joined a futsal match today. It was my first time and we won GOLD..! Yeayy me..!

p/p/s: Happy 21st birthday Najwa. I love you :D

Hate post #2 : Liar liar pants on fire.

And now she lies.

She woke up late, and when asked at what time she went to bed last night she just said around 11pm. But then again, when I saw her Facebook page, she was still active around 3am in the morning. Why llie? Such an attention seeker.

~najwa

p/s: Dear attention seeker, go fug yourself. Thank you.

This is a hate post! #1

This is a hate post. So if you think you can't bear my words and the language I used here, don't even bother reading. Thank you :)

Here goes. (It's not too late to back off now).







YOU ARE ONE SICK BITCH..!!

ONE FRIGGIN COPYCAT..! SUCH A FAKE! SHOW OFF..!

Aku rasa memang aku tak boleh tahan betul dengan perangai kau. Like seriously bitch. You are such a bitch. Sick bitch. A very sick one.

Mula2 kau mendengki. Pastu kau copycat. Fake.
Semua barang yang aku ada semua kau nak ada jugak.
Semua barang yang aku beli semua kau nak beli jugak.
Semua benda yang aku suka, semua kau nak suka jugak.

Like whatdehelll laaa...

Get your own life la.

Pastu sesuka hati suruh aku angkut barang kau. Ingat aku ni kuli batak kau ke..??!
Bengong betul. Menyakitkan hati. Memang kalau ada manusia yang suka mencabar kesabaran aku, kau la orangnya.

~najwa

p/s: Kak Fynn, tolongla bagi kata2 semangat nak menghadapi manusia macam ni... Sedihh...! Pedih...!

Private Moment

Did I not earn my own private moment?

Setiap kali aku bangun awal pagi untuk belajar, itu adalah kerana aku nak sedikit waktu peribadi untuk aku luangkan dengan diri aku SAHAJA! Kerana malam-malamku dan petang-petangku telah dicerobohi oleh rakan-rakan. Tapi kenapa yang tu pun korang tak mampu nak bagi? Tak boleh ke bagi aku private time tu?

Tahu tak apa itu comfort zone? Tahu tak apa itu personal space?

Kau senang je keluar masuk bilik aku, tunggang tonggeng atas katil aku. Bila kau datang, kau datang sesuka hati. Bila kau datang sesuka hati tu kalau setakat nak buat hal sendiri aku kira boleh terima lagi. Tapi bila kau mula nak kacau orang, annoying gila babi and intimidating, tu dah mengganggu ketenteraman aku. Eh HELLO! That's my space. My personal space! Tolong hormat boleh?? Bila kau nak buat assignment ke ape ke yang memerlukan konsentrasi dan fokus, pandai pulak kau cari personal space kau; bilik kau tu.

Bila aku heret laptop dan segala buku bagai keluar, pandai pulak kau tanya kenapa aku buat kerja kat luar. Tak cukup dengan tu, kau pun heret segala harta kau jugak. Pastu nak annoying depan aku. Dah kenapa?

Please la, aku mohon, tolong la bagi aku some private time with myself. I FUCKING NEED IT..! I need my own personal space!

Once again I ask the question I asked earlier,

DID I NOT EARN MY OWN PRIVATE MOMENT?!

So far, the answer is still NO. Dammit!

~najwa

p/s: Please, respect other people's space and feelings. You can't just ignore those just because you think you are close friends with them. Respect their belongings, space, feelings. Jangan main lanyak ikut sedap hati kau!

p/p/s: Okay, terlampau garang pulak post ni. Pardon me.

Mempertikai, Dipertikaikan

Sedih bila ada yang mempertikai keputusan kami balik semenanjung disebabkan perang tu. Katanya;

>> Fikirlah sesuatu itu secara matang

>> jgn cepat paranoid

>> mcm mane nak berjihad utk pertahankan negara sedangkan baru sikit ujian...da TAKUT

>> Jgn disebabkan penyakit MALAS...kite mudah utuk mengalah dalam mencari ilmu

>> Ingatlah di mana2 ade maut

>> Bagaimana kalau terjadi semenanjung?? kite nak pindah Sabah pulak kew??

>> Kdg2 sy x pham...bgaimane cara mereka berfikir??

>> Ibu bapa akn tenang sekiranya kite bercerita semuanya OK sahaja 

>> Menuntut ilmu itu salah satu jihad..^___^

"Kdg2 sy x pham...bgaimane cara mereka berfikir??"

"Kdg2 sy x pham...bgaimane cara mereka berfikir??"

"Kdg2 sy x pham...bgaimane cara mereka berfikir??"

Statement yang tu memang paling xleh blah! Cara dia cakap macam bagus. Dia tak sedar ke yang LIFE is LIKE THAT? He or she cannot expect people to be like them. Different people, different ways, different parents. What I mean by different parents is that some parents may tolerate us being in that kind of situation but some, they are worried as hell and couldn't bear if anything happened to their children knowing that they could have avoid risking their child.

Dan katanya lagi, 'Ingatlah di mana2 ade maut'. So true. I've been saying that to myself ever since the war and ever since mama kept asking me whether or not I want to go back to KL. Honestly, I didn't want to go back. I would really love to stay in SPL even though the war is haunting me every night and I find it really hard to sleep at night. But the thought that I'm making my mama worried sick just because of me, I decided to go back. My mama, she have high blood pressure. I don't want her to get sick worrying about me. She have got loads of things to be worried about. But I'm not gonna be one of them.

So, to those of you who are trying to look down at us because we're leaving the WAR ZONE, shut your big fucking mouth! Place yourself in our shoes and you'll know what it feels like to be us. Cakap pasal pengecut la apa la, why not korang je yang pergi perang kat Lahad Datu tu...?! Ada berani..?! Ni semua pakat ikut pindah pergi KK then enjoying yourselves kat 1B and then complaining here and there. Such a pain in the ass you know.

Cermin diri sendiri sebelum cakap apa-apa. Or it might get back to you.

~najwa

p/s: People with their one minded minds, they're getting on my nerves.

Are we safe here?

That is a question that I myself did not dare answer.

There's been a war between Malaysia and the descendant of Sultan Suluk of Philippines in Lahad Datu. And I'm currently in Sandakan. Well, SPL UMS is in Sandakan. We don't how bad it's going to be and we kept asking ourselves, "Are we going to be okay?", "Are we safe here?" and parents kept calling asking how we're doing and what actually happened. The truth is, we don't know.

Map of Sabah (for your reference, just in case)

We don't know how safe or how serious this thing is right now. And what bummed us the most is the fact that the national news said that everything is under control when people are already dead with the intrusions and gun fighting.

Above: Officers that died during the gun fighting
Below: Officers that are badly injured.

And now I'm begging all of you to pray the very best for Lahad Datu. May victory will always be with us. InsyaALLAH. Amiin.

~najwa

p/s: My hands are sore from playing badminton earlier this evening.

Rules in Friendship

Since I was feeling so bad about myself and about me being a very bad friend, I decided to Google the rules in friendship. And the results were:


1-Honesty
2-Reliability
3-Respect
4- Bros Before Hoes
5-Selfless
6-Loyalty in both good times and bad
7-Patience
8- Laugh Together Cry Together
9-Constructive Criticism
10- Forgiveness
11- Don't Date a Friend's Ex
12- Don't Steal Friends
13- Take Turns
14- Stand By Your Friends
15- Don't Blow Them Off
16- Keep your words and do what you say you'll do.
17- Do not talk bad about your friends.
18- Consider their point of views
19- Offer help without expecting anything in return.
20- Do not encourage them to violate their morals and principles.


Read more here, here and here.

So that's about it. A lesson to learn.

~najwa

p/s: Hope you guys find this post beneficial for you who are lost just like me.

I have a bad feeling about this.

I know I am not always a good friend. I have moodswings. I get over-sensitive at times. And now that Yusrina is gone, I feel so.. alone. So.. empty. :(

Today I volunteered to fetch Basyiroh from the airport when nobody even bothered to fetch her. I went with Wani and Kelly. It was tiring and I am getting broke. I've been out and about every single day this week, being other people's driver and that cost me money. I did invite Na and Atiq to come with me but they refused. Well, Na refused and Atiq remained silent.

When I got back, I found that Na and Atiq were out with Syikin and Intan. That made me feel sad. We used to be so close and we used to go outing together but now, everything's changed. And what with Atiq not talking to me. I don't know but ever since she got back from KL, it seems like she's been avoiding me. 

I noticed now that livestockers are always with livestockers now and crop students are always with their own group of friends. Am I that bad of a friend that all my friends seems to be leaving me out? I can't even describe how lonely I feel right now (I am about to cry).

I don't think that things will go back to normal. I don't think I will share secrets with anyone again now. I can not rely on anybody right now.

So, from today onward, I decided to be friends with everyone but not to rely on them too much. After all, when all is lost or when everybody is busy with their friends, I will always have my Obor-obor with me :')

~najwa

p/s: Already I'm so lonesome I could die. I miss Yusrina.

Another goodbye and a birthday

This post is for Yusrina Yunus.

Selama masa final exam first semester hari tu aku dah memang nampak 'kekosongan' kat jiwa Yusrina. Dia macam tak boleh nak study. Study apa pun macam tak lekat dalam otak dia. She applied for UiTM. And Alhamdulillah, she got in. Dia dapat course chemical engineering. And semalam dia fly balik semenanjung to prepare for her registration. So, goodluck Yus. We love you so much! ;) And oh! Today's Atiq's 20th birthday! Happy birthday dear. :)

From left: Haslina, Syazwani, Tatiana, Yusrina, Atiqah, Kak Dayah, Kelly
Not in picture: ME! (I'm the photographer)

Atiq's birthday cake. Happy 20th birthday Atiq. We love you.

~najwa

p/s: I'm sure gonna miss my bed buddy and I don't want another bed buddy other than her! :(

This is a story of why I hate goodbyes.

I know there's 'good' in goodbye but I think that only applies to goodbyes in failed relationships.

I've said enough goodbyes for now and most of them weren't really something I would like to repeat.

Conclusionally (is that even a word?), there are three main reasons why I really hated goodbyes.

First of all, there's my mom who'd always go overboard with her emotions every time me or my sister are going back to Malaysia after our holidays. But that's just mom. She have a very soft heart and I know all mothers would feel the same way when it's about saying goodbye to their children.

Goodbye = Letting go

Then there's fights before goodbyes. This, I experienced thrice. First there was this very devastating fight that leads to a break up goodbye. Yeah, that was the hardest goodbye so far. Then there's my mom & dad fighting just about half an hour before my flight. They were fighting about money; like they always do. At that time I was trying so hard to held back the tears in my eyes. I never felt like running away from home as much as I did at that time. It was really depressing. I couldn't look into my parents' eyes and couldn't really say my goodbyes properly. And I remember very clearly that I couldn't stop crying in the departure hall. I was alone and all puffed up and can't stop crying. That was one. Then there's another one, when I was about to leave home for university. We departed from Tg Malim and was apparently late for my flight. So dad sped up and was driving like a mad man! Speedometer shows 150 to 200 km/h. And mom couldn't stop babbling about how fast he was. But that's just mom. I know she's worried. And when we reached the airport my dad scolded my mom for all the noise but all the same was very thankful that we managed to arrive on time. That was again, another time when I had to say goodbye to a fighting pair of parents.

My little sister (G) and little brother (Aiman)

Lastly, knowing that you're about to leave something that you truly love is one of the hardest thing about saying goodbyes. I just had my semester break in Brunei for about a month and I dare say that this holiday was the best so far. Dad's finally got control of his moodswings and everybody was so grown up and very adorable already. I kind of liked being there and didn't feel like going back to uni at all. So, the morning of my flight day, I got up super early to look at my brothers and sisters for the last time before they went to school. I woke up to a grumpy Adib, my youngest brother. When mom asked him to say goodbye to me, he just shook my hand and waited outside. He wouldn't even look at me. I was a bit sad but then I just let him be. But mom told me that Adib didn't like goodbyes and are always acting like that every time someone is leaving. Later that night, when I was already in KK, mom texted me. She told me that she had dinner with Adib and they had a conversation. Here goes,

Mama: Adib, do you miss Wawa?

Adib: Yeah, I feel strange because this t-shirt smells like her *sniffs his Batman shirt* and it smells good. (Maybe because I did the laundry and I did washed that shirt)

Adib, my perfect little git!

So yeah. I haven't really cried over the last goodbye, but as I'm writing this, I'm crying. I couldn't stand it any longer. How I miss that little git and how I missed his cheeky attitude. And how I missed all of them so much right now!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I hated goodbye so much!

And are about to say yet another goodbye in a few days. A very good friend is moving out of UMS. Sad.

Me and my dad before my flight back to KK.

My mom and I before my flight back to KK.

~najwa

p/s: Can I just be a full time house maid in my parents' house?! I wanna go home! I wanna be with them always! ;(((

berhenti

kau.

apa yang ada kat badan kau semua aku ada.
semua lubang yang ada kat badan kau semua sama dengan aku
bahagian mana yang kau tak faham?

tolonglah berhenti mengendeng kat badan aku.
tolonglah berhenti mengomel tentang segala apa yang aku lakukan.
tolonglah berhenti meraba-raba aku.
tolonglah berhenti lekatkan badan kau kat badan aku.
tolonglah berhenti.

aku bukan seorang yang ria macam kau.
harap maklum.

~najwa

p/s: Do I look like I'm gay?!

YOU!

Hey you!

Hands off my valuables!

Feet off my bed!

Mouth off from everything that I'm doing!

Hands off my body!

Get off of my life!!!


QUIT snuggling me in the mornings!

I AM NOT YOUR GAY PARTNER! GEDDIT?!

UGH!!! SERIOUSLY?!

~najwa

p/s: I need some time for myself. Get outta my space. You are suffocating me!

Sweet dreams :)

I had a very hard time sleeping last night. I couldn’t sleep. I lay on my bed tossing and turning and ended up watching the fan spinning. So, I started thinking. About people.

Have you ever heard that if you think of someone before you dozed off, they might just ended up in your dreams? Well, here goes.

The first person that came into my mind was Shrek the ‘Imaginary Friend’. I think about him for a brief second. Just wondering how’s he doing and whether or not he… misses me (I know it is an inappropriate question for someone who’s in a relationship like this). But that’s just it. I stopped there.

Then I started thinking about my future. I know I’ve said a few times that I would really love settling down in Brunei and marry some nice & romantic guy from here. But then again I came to my senses, that I was currently waiting for Mr. AT and Mr. AT the same. So he came to my mind. I first know him when I was in form 4. I remember when he used to tell me that he is never really good with girls and that I was his first girlfriend. I broke his heart when I decided to break up with him. But he never really gave up. He was always there, until my matriculation years. It was the hardest year for me. Somehow, I feel like we have this special connection between us. Because whenever I’m in trouble, he always suddenly appears out of nowhere asking about what was going on. It’s like he knew what I was going through. So after my break up with the ‘EX’, I started friends again with Mr. AT. We got really close and he confessed to me of his love once again. I was shocked because all this while I only thought of him like an older brother that I never have. But when I think through about things, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t like about him. He doesn’t smoke, he is not that friendly with girls and he is tall, with curly hair and quite buff too. I mean, come on! What more could I ever wanted from a man? And he’s been really nice to me. Not to mention very patient towards my every behavior too! So, I finally said ‘yes’ to him. And I went to bed with my every thought of him in my mind.

When the sun shines through my eyes, I realized that I was with a friend in a very large, loud crowd. It’s like we were in a concert or something. Suddenly a group of six guys appeared out of nowhere. They seemed like they were in a rush and almost knock us off when they walked past us. But they actually just stood behind us. It was crowded and very dense with people all over the place. Suddenly I felt like my right thigh was in contact with something. I turned around to see a man standing very close beside me. He was slightly taller than me, with a very fair skin, and small eyes.  He looks like he’s part Chinese and is just very cute. And bubbly too! We started talking when I noticed that some of the girls around me started glancing and whispering. Then I heard this one girl said, ’That guy is a blogger right?’ The girl behind her looked at him and just slowly nods.

‘He is funny and naughty but very flirtatious.’ She said.

Can I see you in my dreams every night? :)

I heard them and I was surprised but I decided to ignore the girls. So I just talked and laughed all the way through the show with little Mr. I-don’t-know-who. When the show ended, my friend brought me to a restaurant for dinner. From outside the restaurant I saw someone sitting inside the restaurant. He was staring at me, shock was all over his face and I bet I wore the same look on my face too. I knew exactly who he is the moment I saw him. It’s Mr. AT. He was wearing a white shirt that really shows off his physique. My friend chatted with one of the six guys that we saw earlier and they agreed to let us dine with them. It turns out that Mr. AT was one of the six guys so I had to dine with him. I was very nervous as it was my second time meeting him. There were only five of us there; me, my friend, MR. AT, Mr. I-don’t-know-who and his friend. The other three guys showed up much later. To my greatest surprise, the other three guys were Anwar Hadi, Mat Luthfi and another Mr. I-don’t-know-who. I’m guessing that all six of the guys are actually famous bloggers or vloggers. The other three guys sat at another table because ours

are just too crowded already.

All the time during dinner, I just ate silently. My friend seemed to have a really nice chat with Mr. I-don’t-know-who. I noticed that Mr. AT was always looking at me. He also said, ‘Why say you’re big when you are actually so small?’ I know exactly what he’s talking about. By the looks of it, he doesn’t really think that I was as fat like I always told him. I just smiled at him. When he finishes his food, he joined the other table to smoke. That surprises me because as far as I remember, he told me that he doesn’t smoke. Only sometimes when he was with his friends and I thought maybe this is what he meant. After dinner, all 8 of us went for a walk around the building. But I just walked and talked with him. It was very sweet. It’s as if I was on a date with him. My friend was successfully socializing with Mr. I-don’t-know-who. Mr. AT also walked me home. When we’re almost home, I was woken up to a very painful stomachache. That was when I realized that it was all a dream and I didn’t want to wake up. I want to live it through. But I ended up in the toilet anyway. Major stomachache! Almost felt like food poisoning. Guess I ate too much Cheezy Cheese Carbonara yesterday.

I started pondering again and found out that last night I went to bed thinking of Mr. AT. I might have just missed him then. Maybe that is why I dreamt of him. It was the sweetest dream I’ve had so far. And so real too. I can’t wait to be back in KL this June to meet him J

(I also have this wild thought that maybe that Mr. I-don’t-know-who is actually how Shrek looked like because yesterday I did thought of him too before I went to bed)

~najwa

p/s: Now I know why I find it really hard to draft in MS Word before actually posting in Blogger. That’s because of the goddamned green and red (and sometimes blue) underlines! Very distracting.

pp/s: Sorry for the long post. J

Moving on or move on?

Well, I know it’s been weeks since my last post but I really missed blogging. Like, SO MUCH! (Boring intro, I know. Sorry) I got so many things in my mind that I would blog about but the connection here SUCKS. It’s no fun blogging when the connection’s slowmo.

Ok. Moving on. That what I currently have in mind now. Few weeks before I got to Brunei, the EX has been texting me, reminding of the memories we once had together and when I asked him if he wanted us together again he just said that he was not sure and he didn’t mention if he missed me either. So I guessed he was just lonely and kept me in his contact list just because I’m like his booty-call or something. When I told my friends and Gee about this they all agreed that I should just shut him down and ignore him. They also said that they’ll ever forgive me, literally, if I were to be with him again because he’s hurt me so bad and I’ll be stupid if I’m with him again. So I told myself to just forget him. Ignore him. Shut him down.

But then I came across these:

‘Just because somebody hurt us once, it doesn’t mean that we have to permanently delete them from our phone book.’ (I know that but he DESERVED to be deleted from my phone book!)

‘Things change. People grow.’

And I thought she was gonna say 'People change.’ But she didn’t. That’s what made me think. I moved on I made it very clear to myself that I wasn’t gonna fall to my ex’s trap again. If she did say ‘People change’, then I know for sure that he is NOT gonna change. But she said ‘People grow’. And that got me thinking. I was thinking that people really did grow. I was thinking what if one day, the ex started to finally GROW and be matured and managed to think rationally about his past, no, OUR past, and came to me, what should I do then? Should I accept him again? Are my friends and family going to forgive me if I do that?

But the questions were left hanging. Unanswered. And I’m confused. I guess it’s better to just move on now and think less about him. I’ve been thinking too much about him already. I should stop. Keep calm and move my ass on. Yea, I think I’m gonna do that. Just let the future be future. We don’t wanna ruin the surprise now, do we? J

~najwa

p/s: I got that quotes from Mrs Ashley Marin of Pretty Little Liars. Yea, currently watching it. This drama got me thinking about a lot of things. Just for extra information, it was from Season 2, Episode 3. And today is Azim’s birthday. Happy birthday there old pal.

Final Exam

Currently kicking up some mental exercise. Final exam is here. Final exam untuk semester pertama. Kejap je dah final exam. Nanti pejam celik pejam celik, dah FINAL YEAR..! Yeayyy! (tone: sarcastic) Dream big little girl. Dream big.

Paper Intro to Agriculture, Agricultural Ecology and Etika & Akhlak dah lepas.

Next up Agricultural Chemistry. Then on the same day TITAs. Thursday Mandarin. Friday Plant Nutrition and lastly, Saturday, SISPA!!! Yeayy..!!!! :D

Next Monday, BRUNEI..! Can't wait. I'm gonna make a whole lot of lists of food to eat, to cook, to bake and a continuous list of things to-do in Brunei. I miss Brunei.

STUDY! STUDY! STUDY!

Cepatlah cepat-cepat. Cepatlah habis paper. Penat study ni. Grr...

#Study mode: ON

~najwa

p/s: Kenapa kaki cepat kebas sekarang ni ek? Kneecaps and joints problem maybe. Hmm~

Kawan Imaginasi, Halusinasi

This is a very quick morning post.

I have an imaginary friend. I mean, literally.

I have this friend of mine. I mean, he existed and he insisted that we be friends. I refused mula-mula tu seeing that I don't know him and I've had enough making friends through the phone. When he first texted me, dia cakap dia dapat my phone number when I was job hunting at Subway. I was like, 'Watdehel?'

This is how I imagine us :) [Photo from here]

Potong pendek, dia nak jugak berkawan dengan aku but he's different from the other 'phone friends' because dia cakap yang kitorang memang tak kan jumpa each other (I like the idea of not meeting each other because I'm tired of 'Bila nak jumpa?' questions from my 'phone friends') and kitorang berkawan based on our imagination. I mean, we talk crap ALL THE TIME and I had fun texting with him because he knows English. Aku jarang nak ada kawan lelaki yang berani speak English dengan aku. Well, kitorang tak ada la selalu sangat speaking tapi from what I observed, his English is quite good. Another thing that's interesting about him is that, he's an interior design student. Currently a final year diploma student studying interior design at UiTM Seri Iskandar. That's really cool.

We talked on the phone for a few times, and surprisingly, I found his voice familiar. (Suara dia reminds me of Iwan anak Cu Ina. Somewhat creepy and left me wondering whether it's true. ALWAYS!)

So, dear Wan a.k.a Shrek, here's to an everlasting-imaginary friendship. Here's to us. :)

~najwa

p/s: I Googled images of imaginary friend and are quite surprise with the results. Some of them are scary bakhanggg!!!

Cafe, oh CAFE!!

How shall I begin this entry?

Food, is what we consume everyday in order to gain energy.

Duhh! What a boring introduction.

Well, whatever. Here goes.

Tahu tak menunggu tu suatu perbuatan yang amat memenatkan? Tahu tak..? Apatah lagi bila kita sedang dalam kelaparan. Tunggu order sampai sejam setengah. Sempat habiskan bihun sup semangkuk. Pedehal..? Apa masalah makcik tu nak masak lambat-lambat. Sedih. Ada sekali tu siap potong sesuka hati je order orang sebab DIA SENDIRI YANG RASA SERABUT..! Eh, what the hell man? Geramnya. Sumpah sistem cafe kat sini memang teruk. Aigoo~ Tiap-tiap hari kalau order makanan mesti balik tu rasa serabut. Semua orang mesti stress. Tension. Makanan tengahari pulak pukul 11:00 pagi dah habis. Tu makanan pagi namanya. Lambat sikit memang tak makan la jawabnya tengahari tu. Kalau tak pun kena gagahkan diri menapak keluar kampus untuk cari makan. Haishh.. Tolong la. Kami wahai student-student ni amat memerlukan makanan okay! Jangan la sebab takut rugi kau masak sikit je. Jangan la sebab takut rugi kau tutup awal. Jangan la sebab takut tak laku kau sekat rezeki orang lain. Eh, sekat rezeki orang lain..?? Kejadah apa?

Mak cik garang tu (a.k.a Oma Bertha), pernah halau Kak Pah, one of the stall owners, away just because she was friendly with the students and she sells awesome foodstuff and beverages. Dia dengki and menggunakan kuasa yang ada pada dia (dia mak cik kepada pemegang tender cafe tu), dia suruh akak yang pegang tender cafe tu halau Kak Pah. Kesian dowh. Kejam sampai nak sekat-sekat rezeki orang. Busuk hati betul. Tak paham aku. Mula-mula kitorang boikot la Oma Bertha tu. Tapi lama-lama tak leh tahan la sebab lepas tu dia je yang bukak. Terpaksa beli makanan kat dia jugak. Siot. Kes hari ni berlaku kat kedai dia jugak la. Yang tunggu makanan sampai satu jam setengah tu. Tu la. Lain kali kalau agak-agak tak boleh nak bagi makan kat SEMUA student kat SPL ni, jangan la gatal-gatal nak halau & sekat rezeki orang lain. Kalau dah rasa-rasa tak mampu nak tanggung kerugian, tak yah bukak bisnes LANGSUNG! Kan senang. Tu pun nak kena ajar ke..? (Okay Wawa, sila kawal perasaan anda!)

I'm gonna stop now. The more I write, the more I can't control my emotions. Pfft!

~najwa

p/s: Mintak-mintak la semester depan tukar tender baru. Tolonglah pihak pentadbiran hoi..!

My Crap-talk Boys.

I once said that these two boys, Abrar and Yusri are once my crap-talk partners. Well, surprisingly, after 2 years of friendship, they still are. I just miss these two boys and our crap-talk moments. Crap conversations everyday. I love them to bits! Bila mau jumpa ni...?? Aigoo aigoo~

~najwa

p/s: Okay, rindu gila nak merapu.

Rengek

Berhenti sakitkan hati orang
Kalau diri selalu merengek bila disakiti.

~najwa

Baldi

Bila tunggu baldi penuh, aku gosok gigi
Bila tunggu baldi penuh, aku tenung paip
Bila tunggu baldi penuh, aku cuci muka
Bila tunggu baldi penuh, aku kira tiles dalam jamban
Bila tunggu baldi penuh, aku pintal-pintal rambut

Tapi, sejak hari tu,

Bila tunggu baldi penuh...
Aku hilang dalam masa
Aku tenung parut itu.
Aku tenung luka itu.
Aku terimbau luka itu.

Sehingga air melimpah keluar.

~najwa

Tutup

Tidurlah, tidur, tidur.
Tidurlah sebab bila kau tidur kau tutup.

Tutup mata.
Tutup mulut.

Bila tutup mulut,
Hidup tenang.
Hidup diam.
Hidup aman.
Teruslah tidur.

Atau..

Atau aku yang harus tidur..?

~najwa

Lethargy

Penat bercakap bila tak didengari

Penat bercakap bila syok sendiri

Penat bercakap bla akhirnya dianjing

Penat bercakap.

Penat bercakap.

Penat bercakap sendiri.

~najwa

p/s: "Silence is better than bullshit"

Kem Medan Kor SISPA

When I enrolled in UMS, I was determined to take the theater club as my co-curricular acivities. But then, I got the information that my campus was in Sandakan. The Sandakan campus is only a small campus with a total of around 300 students. My hert sank because the Sandakan campus have only SISPA, Bomba, Paramedic and modern music for their co-curricular activities. Sedih tahu tak dapat ikut teater. Itu impian setelah sekian lama. But then, apa boleh buat. So I joined SISPA instead. Partly because I have to. But the main reasons were because we got free uniforms plus boots and beret, outdoor activity allowance and because it is one of the most active co-curricular clubs. I mean, I have to get good marks. Being the passive me, I have to find an active club.

So, back to the main story, SISPA KK conducted a boot camp. All SISPA students have to take part. The camp was the kind that is harsh and army-like camp. Where we have to attend to physical training every morning and have to learn fire fight, search and rescue and first aid. Tapi memang best la sebab tido dalam actual camp and kawad and all that stuff. Being me, yang mata-tak-reti-dok-diam-asyik-mengusha-je-keje, I  first spot myself a very cute instructor. Oh well, what can I do, Induk's SISPA boys are not so cute. Here are some photos through out the camp.

Below are pictures throughout the camp. Pictures credit to JPAM Sabah. Sila tengok sampai muntah. Haha.

Ramai je yang merungut sebab kem ni rough and tough sangat. Tapi, what the hell. I like it anyway.

~najwa