Faham. Sakit rasanya.

Skarang aku faham.
Bila dia cakap dia dah tak boleh bergurau tu macam mana rasanya.
Rasa pedih.
Not being able to joke around and hang around with someone you like without ever feeling guilty.
Sorry Atiqah. Sorry..!
:'(

~najwa

p/s: Ya Allah, dah lama tak rasa macam ni. Dugaan apa yang kau turunkan ni? Rasa sedih dan pedih hati sebijik macam masa aku break up dengan Man dulu. Ya Allah, tabahkanlah hati hambaMu yang lemah ini Ya Allah. Aku mohon daripada mu Ya Allah!

p/p/s: Banyak post luahan hati kat cni sebab dah tak boleh nak Tweet dengan bebas. Sebab memasing dah ada TweetDeck. Memasing stalk memasing. Memasing tau cerita memasing. Thank you and fuck you TweetDeck. Dan sebab aku dan Atiqah terlampau rapat sampai kami tau apa maksud Tweets kami. Kannnn? Shit bila dah terlalu rapat dan terlalu memahami. SHIT.

Saya hipokrit.

Aku berkonfrontasi dengan dia si kawan baik tadi.
Kami go all out. Heart to heart.
Dia nangis. First time dia nangis. Depan aku.
Nope, scratch that. Second time.
Dia luah semua.
Then dia cakap, 'Mesti sebab kita dah terlalu rapat.'
Aku sedih. Bila ayat tu keluar dari mulut dia, aku sentap.
Sedih. Sebak. Sunyi.
Macam masa Man mula-mula nak break up dengan aku dulu.
Macam tu la aku rasa.
Kesian jugak dia. Sebab dia jenis kawan dengan semua.
Tapi sebab aku, semua orang terasa dengan dia.
Terasa macam dia lupakan dorang.
Dan baru tadi dia mengaku yang sebenarnya dia rasa awkward.
Hari tu dia tak nak mengaku.
Bersungguh-sungguh dia menipu.
Sampai mati-mati aku percaya.
Tadi sampai menangis dia nak mengaku ke-awkward-an dia tu.
Pastu dia nangis lagi.
Dia cakap dia nak gurau dengan aku.
Nak touch-touch aku.
Nak tumbuk-tumbuk aku.
Tapi sebab dia awkward, dia tak nak buat.
Then terus kitorang jadi renggang sebab da kurang bergurau senda.
Macam apa je.
Dia jarang nak mencarut.
Tapi bila dia luah tadi, bila dia nangis, dia keluar SHIT sebijik.
Aku terkejut.
Aku tak tahan da.
Tak boleh layan lagi dah perasaan ni.
Makin di layan, makin menjadi-jadi nanti.
Dah la esok nak exam Genetik.
Tapi sebelum keluar aku cakap, 'Atiqah, sorry.'
Dia tanya kenapa?
'Sebab saya lagi tua daripada awak. Saya tak sepatutnya biar semua ni terjadi.'
Then aku terus blah.
Macam tu je.

Pastu dia text, saying everything is going to be alright.
Mulanya aku tak nak reply. Aku speechless.
Tapi aku takut dia rasa serba salah and tak boleh study, so aku reply jugak.

Shit la bila terlalu rapat. Shit la bila terlalu selesa. Shit la bila nak alone pun tak boleh.
Shit la bila terlalu bergantung kat orang.
Shit la bila orang dah tak respect kita. Shit la 2nd semester ni.
Shit.
Shit.
SHIT!

Aku balik, nak study. Tapi hati tak tenteram.
Baru hati tergerak nak bukak ayat-ayat Quran, zikir-zikir.
Aku rasa hina betul. Jijik dengan diri sendiri.
Sebab bila dah jadi macam-macam SHIT macam ni, baru aku nak dengar segala bapak zikir.
HIPOKRIT.

~najwa
p/s: Nampak tak how the word awkward boleh menjahanam kan sebuah persahabatan?!

p/p/s: Saya sayang awak Atiqah. Saya suka berkawan dengan awak. Tapi kalau dah jadi macam ni, saya pun dah tak tau nak buat macam mana dah. Sorry kerana dah mencalarkan sebuah persahabatan yang suci. Sorry. :((((

Dulu dulu dulu dan Sekarang.

Aku cuma nak lepak bilik kau macam dulu.
Buat kerja kat bilik kau macam dulu.
Gurau-gurau dengan kau macam dulu.
Kongsi masalah dengan kau macam dulu.
Pegang tangan kau sebelum tido macam dulu.
Singgah bilik kau sebelum pergi kelas macam dulu.

Semua macam dulu tanpa awkward macam sekarang.

~najwa
p/s: I fucking hate the word AWKWARD!!!

Hate post #2 : Liar liar pants on fire.

And now she lies.

She woke up late, and when asked at what time she went to bed last night she just said around 11pm. But then again, when I saw her Facebook page, she was still active around 3am in the morning. Why llie? Such an attention seeker.

~najwa

p/s: Dear attention seeker, go fug yourself. Thank you.

This is a hate post! #1

This is a hate post. So if you think you can't bear my words and the language I used here, don't even bother reading. Thank you :)

Here goes. (It's not too late to back off now).







YOU ARE ONE SICK BITCH..!!

ONE FRIGGIN COPYCAT..! SUCH A FAKE! SHOW OFF..!

Aku rasa memang aku tak boleh tahan betul dengan perangai kau. Like seriously bitch. You are such a bitch. Sick bitch. A very sick one.

Mula2 kau mendengki. Pastu kau copycat. Fake.
Semua barang yang aku ada semua kau nak ada jugak.
Semua barang yang aku beli semua kau nak beli jugak.
Semua benda yang aku suka, semua kau nak suka jugak.

Like whatdehelll laaa...

Get your own life la.

Pastu sesuka hati suruh aku angkut barang kau. Ingat aku ni kuli batak kau ke..??!
Bengong betul. Menyakitkan hati. Memang kalau ada manusia yang suka mencabar kesabaran aku, kau la orangnya.

~najwa

p/s: Kak Fynn, tolongla bagi kata2 semangat nak menghadapi manusia macam ni... Sedihh...! Pedih...!

Private Moment

Did I not earn my own private moment?

Setiap kali aku bangun awal pagi untuk belajar, itu adalah kerana aku nak sedikit waktu peribadi untuk aku luangkan dengan diri aku SAHAJA! Kerana malam-malamku dan petang-petangku telah dicerobohi oleh rakan-rakan. Tapi kenapa yang tu pun korang tak mampu nak bagi? Tak boleh ke bagi aku private time tu?

Tahu tak apa itu comfort zone? Tahu tak apa itu personal space?

Kau senang je keluar masuk bilik aku, tunggang tonggeng atas katil aku. Bila kau datang, kau datang sesuka hati. Bila kau datang sesuka hati tu kalau setakat nak buat hal sendiri aku kira boleh terima lagi. Tapi bila kau mula nak kacau orang, annoying gila babi and intimidating, tu dah mengganggu ketenteraman aku. Eh HELLO! That's my space. My personal space! Tolong hormat boleh?? Bila kau nak buat assignment ke ape ke yang memerlukan konsentrasi dan fokus, pandai pulak kau cari personal space kau; bilik kau tu.

Bila aku heret laptop dan segala buku bagai keluar, pandai pulak kau tanya kenapa aku buat kerja kat luar. Tak cukup dengan tu, kau pun heret segala harta kau jugak. Pastu nak annoying depan aku. Dah kenapa?

Please la, aku mohon, tolong la bagi aku some private time with myself. I FUCKING NEED IT..! I need my own personal space!

Once again I ask the question I asked earlier,

DID I NOT EARN MY OWN PRIVATE MOMENT?!

So far, the answer is still NO. Dammit!

~najwa

p/s: Please, respect other people's space and feelings. You can't just ignore those just because you think you are close friends with them. Respect their belongings, space, feelings. Jangan main lanyak ikut sedap hati kau!

p/p/s: Okay, terlampau garang pulak post ni. Pardon me.

Mempertikai, Dipertikaikan

Sedih bila ada yang mempertikai keputusan kami balik semenanjung disebabkan perang tu. Katanya;

>> Fikirlah sesuatu itu secara matang

>> jgn cepat paranoid

>> mcm mane nak berjihad utk pertahankan negara sedangkan baru sikit ujian...da TAKUT

>> Jgn disebabkan penyakit MALAS...kite mudah utuk mengalah dalam mencari ilmu

>> Ingatlah di mana2 ade maut

>> Bagaimana kalau terjadi semenanjung?? kite nak pindah Sabah pulak kew??

>> Kdg2 sy x pham...bgaimane cara mereka berfikir??

>> Ibu bapa akn tenang sekiranya kite bercerita semuanya OK sahaja 

>> Menuntut ilmu itu salah satu jihad..^___^

"Kdg2 sy x pham...bgaimane cara mereka berfikir??"

"Kdg2 sy x pham...bgaimane cara mereka berfikir??"

"Kdg2 sy x pham...bgaimane cara mereka berfikir??"

Statement yang tu memang paling xleh blah! Cara dia cakap macam bagus. Dia tak sedar ke yang LIFE is LIKE THAT? He or she cannot expect people to be like them. Different people, different ways, different parents. What I mean by different parents is that some parents may tolerate us being in that kind of situation but some, they are worried as hell and couldn't bear if anything happened to their children knowing that they could have avoid risking their child.

Dan katanya lagi, 'Ingatlah di mana2 ade maut'. So true. I've been saying that to myself ever since the war and ever since mama kept asking me whether or not I want to go back to KL. Honestly, I didn't want to go back. I would really love to stay in SPL even though the war is haunting me every night and I find it really hard to sleep at night. But the thought that I'm making my mama worried sick just because of me, I decided to go back. My mama, she have high blood pressure. I don't want her to get sick worrying about me. She have got loads of things to be worried about. But I'm not gonna be one of them.

So, to those of you who are trying to look down at us because we're leaving the WAR ZONE, shut your big fucking mouth! Place yourself in our shoes and you'll know what it feels like to be us. Cakap pasal pengecut la apa la, why not korang je yang pergi perang kat Lahad Datu tu...?! Ada berani..?! Ni semua pakat ikut pindah pergi KK then enjoying yourselves kat 1B and then complaining here and there. Such a pain in the ass you know.

Cermin diri sendiri sebelum cakap apa-apa. Or it might get back to you.

~najwa

p/s: People with their one minded minds, they're getting on my nerves.

Rules in Friendship

Since I was feeling so bad about myself and about me being a very bad friend, I decided to Google the rules in friendship. And the results were:


1-Honesty
2-Reliability
3-Respect
4- Bros Before Hoes
5-Selfless
6-Loyalty in both good times and bad
7-Patience
8- Laugh Together Cry Together
9-Constructive Criticism
10- Forgiveness
11- Don't Date a Friend's Ex
12- Don't Steal Friends
13- Take Turns
14- Stand By Your Friends
15- Don't Blow Them Off
16- Keep your words and do what you say you'll do.
17- Do not talk bad about your friends.
18- Consider their point of views
19- Offer help without expecting anything in return.
20- Do not encourage them to violate their morals and principles.


Read more here, here and here.

So that's about it. A lesson to learn.

~najwa

p/s: Hope you guys find this post beneficial for you who are lost just like me.

I have a bad feeling about this.

I know I am not always a good friend. I have moodswings. I get over-sensitive at times. And now that Yusrina is gone, I feel so.. alone. So.. empty. :(

Today I volunteered to fetch Basyiroh from the airport when nobody even bothered to fetch her. I went with Wani and Kelly. It was tiring and I am getting broke. I've been out and about every single day this week, being other people's driver and that cost me money. I did invite Na and Atiq to come with me but they refused. Well, Na refused and Atiq remained silent.

When I got back, I found that Na and Atiq were out with Syikin and Intan. That made me feel sad. We used to be so close and we used to go outing together but now, everything's changed. And what with Atiq not talking to me. I don't know but ever since she got back from KL, it seems like she's been avoiding me. 

I noticed now that livestockers are always with livestockers now and crop students are always with their own group of friends. Am I that bad of a friend that all my friends seems to be leaving me out? I can't even describe how lonely I feel right now (I am about to cry).

I don't think that things will go back to normal. I don't think I will share secrets with anyone again now. I can not rely on anybody right now.

So, from today onward, I decided to be friends with everyone but not to rely on them too much. After all, when all is lost or when everybody is busy with their friends, I will always have my Obor-obor with me :')

~najwa

p/s: Already I'm so lonesome I could die. I miss Yusrina.

Another goodbye and a birthday

This post is for Yusrina Yunus.

Selama masa final exam first semester hari tu aku dah memang nampak 'kekosongan' kat jiwa Yusrina. Dia macam tak boleh nak study. Study apa pun macam tak lekat dalam otak dia. She applied for UiTM. And Alhamdulillah, she got in. Dia dapat course chemical engineering. And semalam dia fly balik semenanjung to prepare for her registration. So, goodluck Yus. We love you so much! ;) And oh! Today's Atiq's 20th birthday! Happy birthday dear. :)

From left: Haslina, Syazwani, Tatiana, Yusrina, Atiqah, Kak Dayah, Kelly
Not in picture: ME! (I'm the photographer)

Atiq's birthday cake. Happy 20th birthday Atiq. We love you.

~najwa

p/s: I'm sure gonna miss my bed buddy and I don't want another bed buddy other than her! :(

This is a story of why I hate goodbyes.

I know there's 'good' in goodbye but I think that only applies to goodbyes in failed relationships.

I've said enough goodbyes for now and most of them weren't really something I would like to repeat.

Conclusionally (is that even a word?), there are three main reasons why I really hated goodbyes.

First of all, there's my mom who'd always go overboard with her emotions every time me or my sister are going back to Malaysia after our holidays. But that's just mom. She have a very soft heart and I know all mothers would feel the same way when it's about saying goodbye to their children.

Goodbye = Letting go

Then there's fights before goodbyes. This, I experienced thrice. First there was this very devastating fight that leads to a break up goodbye. Yeah, that was the hardest goodbye so far. Then there's my mom & dad fighting just about half an hour before my flight. They were fighting about money; like they always do. At that time I was trying so hard to held back the tears in my eyes. I never felt like running away from home as much as I did at that time. It was really depressing. I couldn't look into my parents' eyes and couldn't really say my goodbyes properly. And I remember very clearly that I couldn't stop crying in the departure hall. I was alone and all puffed up and can't stop crying. That was one. Then there's another one, when I was about to leave home for university. We departed from Tg Malim and was apparently late for my flight. So dad sped up and was driving like a mad man! Speedometer shows 150 to 200 km/h. And mom couldn't stop babbling about how fast he was. But that's just mom. I know she's worried. And when we reached the airport my dad scolded my mom for all the noise but all the same was very thankful that we managed to arrive on time. That was again, another time when I had to say goodbye to a fighting pair of parents.

My little sister (G) and little brother (Aiman)

Lastly, knowing that you're about to leave something that you truly love is one of the hardest thing about saying goodbyes. I just had my semester break in Brunei for about a month and I dare say that this holiday was the best so far. Dad's finally got control of his moodswings and everybody was so grown up and very adorable already. I kind of liked being there and didn't feel like going back to uni at all. So, the morning of my flight day, I got up super early to look at my brothers and sisters for the last time before they went to school. I woke up to a grumpy Adib, my youngest brother. When mom asked him to say goodbye to me, he just shook my hand and waited outside. He wouldn't even look at me. I was a bit sad but then I just let him be. But mom told me that Adib didn't like goodbyes and are always acting like that every time someone is leaving. Later that night, when I was already in KK, mom texted me. She told me that she had dinner with Adib and they had a conversation. Here goes,

Mama: Adib, do you miss Wawa?

Adib: Yeah, I feel strange because this t-shirt smells like her *sniffs his Batman shirt* and it smells good. (Maybe because I did the laundry and I did washed that shirt)

Adib, my perfect little git!

So yeah. I haven't really cried over the last goodbye, but as I'm writing this, I'm crying. I couldn't stand it any longer. How I miss that little git and how I missed his cheeky attitude. And how I missed all of them so much right now!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I hated goodbye so much!

And are about to say yet another goodbye in a few days. A very good friend is moving out of UMS. Sad.

Me and my dad before my flight back to KK.

My mom and I before my flight back to KK.

~najwa

p/s: Can I just be a full time house maid in my parents' house?! I wanna go home! I wanna be with them always! ;(((

berhenti

kau.

apa yang ada kat badan kau semua aku ada.
semua lubang yang ada kat badan kau semua sama dengan aku
bahagian mana yang kau tak faham?

tolonglah berhenti mengendeng kat badan aku.
tolonglah berhenti mengomel tentang segala apa yang aku lakukan.
tolonglah berhenti meraba-raba aku.
tolonglah berhenti lekatkan badan kau kat badan aku.
tolonglah berhenti.

aku bukan seorang yang ria macam kau.
harap maklum.

~najwa

p/s: Do I look like I'm gay?!

YOU!

Hey you!

Hands off my valuables!

Feet off my bed!

Mouth off from everything that I'm doing!

Hands off my body!

Get off of my life!!!


QUIT snuggling me in the mornings!

I AM NOT YOUR GAY PARTNER! GEDDIT?!

UGH!!! SERIOUSLY?!

~najwa

p/s: I need some time for myself. Get outta my space. You are suffocating me!

Kawan Imaginasi, Halusinasi

This is a very quick morning post.

I have an imaginary friend. I mean, literally.

I have this friend of mine. I mean, he existed and he insisted that we be friends. I refused mula-mula tu seeing that I don't know him and I've had enough making friends through the phone. When he first texted me, dia cakap dia dapat my phone number when I was job hunting at Subway. I was like, 'Watdehel?'

This is how I imagine us :) [Photo from here]

Potong pendek, dia nak jugak berkawan dengan aku but he's different from the other 'phone friends' because dia cakap yang kitorang memang tak kan jumpa each other (I like the idea of not meeting each other because I'm tired of 'Bila nak jumpa?' questions from my 'phone friends') and kitorang berkawan based on our imagination. I mean, we talk crap ALL THE TIME and I had fun texting with him because he knows English. Aku jarang nak ada kawan lelaki yang berani speak English dengan aku. Well, kitorang tak ada la selalu sangat speaking tapi from what I observed, his English is quite good. Another thing that's interesting about him is that, he's an interior design student. Currently a final year diploma student studying interior design at UiTM Seri Iskandar. That's really cool.

We talked on the phone for a few times, and surprisingly, I found his voice familiar. (Suara dia reminds me of Iwan anak Cu Ina. Somewhat creepy and left me wondering whether it's true. ALWAYS!)

So, dear Wan a.k.a Shrek, here's to an everlasting-imaginary friendship. Here's to us. :)

~najwa

p/s: I Googled images of imaginary friend and are quite surprise with the results. Some of them are scary bakhanggg!!!

My Crap-talk Boys.

I once said that these two boys, Abrar and Yusri are once my crap-talk partners. Well, surprisingly, after 2 years of friendship, they still are. I just miss these two boys and our crap-talk moments. Crap conversations everyday. I love them to bits! Bila mau jumpa ni...?? Aigoo aigoo~

~najwa

p/s: Okay, rindu gila nak merapu.

Rengek

Berhenti sakitkan hati orang
Kalau diri selalu merengek bila disakiti.

~najwa

Baldi

Bila tunggu baldi penuh, aku gosok gigi
Bila tunggu baldi penuh, aku tenung paip
Bila tunggu baldi penuh, aku cuci muka
Bila tunggu baldi penuh, aku kira tiles dalam jamban
Bila tunggu baldi penuh, aku pintal-pintal rambut

Tapi, sejak hari tu,

Bila tunggu baldi penuh...
Aku hilang dalam masa
Aku tenung parut itu.
Aku tenung luka itu.
Aku terimbau luka itu.

Sehingga air melimpah keluar.

~najwa

Tutup

Tidurlah, tidur, tidur.
Tidurlah sebab bila kau tidur kau tutup.

Tutup mata.
Tutup mulut.

Bila tutup mulut,
Hidup tenang.
Hidup diam.
Hidup aman.
Teruslah tidur.

Atau..

Atau aku yang harus tidur..?

~najwa

Lethargy

Penat bercakap bila tak didengari

Penat bercakap bila syok sendiri

Penat bercakap bla akhirnya dianjing

Penat bercakap.

Penat bercakap.

Penat bercakap sendiri.

~najwa

p/s: "Silence is better than bullshit"

Untuk mereka si Obor Obor! :)

habis sudah,
selesai sudah,
tamat sudah,
waktu gembira kita.

sekarang kita jauh,
sekarang ada yang sendiri,
tapi jangan difikir tentang itu,
kerna kita tetap dekat.

teman,
walau kini aku jauh,
walau kini aku sendiri,
walau kini aku gembira,

ingatlah,
aku sering mengeluh
aku sering terkenang,
aku sering teringat,
aku sering terimbau.

kenapa?
hanya kerana satu perasaan itu.
perasaan inginkan kalian di sisi,
di kala aku sunyi.
perasaan inginkan sokongan kalian.
di kala aku lemah.
perasaan ingin bergelak ketawa dengan kalian,
di kala teman baru di sini tidak sekepala.

perasaan itu,
perasaan rindu.

aku mahu kalian.
aku perlu kalian.

terus di sisi.
terus menyokong.
terus ingat akan si 'kerdil' ini.

dan yang penting,
terus simpan aku bersama kalian.

kerana aku,
tidak mhu kamu hilang.
kerana kamu,
kekuatan aku.

itu saja.

-5:20pm, 27/09/2012,
inilah aku, sewaktu kelas Etika & Akhlak-

*Semoga ukhwah yang terjalin terus kekal seperti dahulu untuk selamanya.

I love you MH1P1. :')

The Oborians with Mama Gee, Last English class, 2nd Semester, PDT.

Choral Speaking Photoshoot for Malam Juara-Juara - PDT.

After winning the choral speaking competition in conjunction of the English Month - PDT

Us girls with Teacher Syazwani, last Maths class, 2nd Semester, PDT.

Them boys with Teacher Syazwani, last Maths class, 2nd Semester, PDT.

~najwa

p/s: Selamat menyambut tahun baru, 2013.

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