Ramadhan

So today is the second day of Ramadhan.

The month where we should control our nafs.
The month where we should do good deeds.
The month where we should do nice things.
The month where we should do soul cleansing.
The month where we should repent.

I guess that is what she's doing now.
I guess I should do the same.

I am too messed up to begin with.
It's time to wake up.

~najwa

p/s: Heart is no longer here. Heart is with you. It will always be with you even though I'm with other people. It will always be with you. This heartbreak is killing me.

Tanya, Jawab, Salah

Terkadang aku tanyakan pada diri sendiri
Kenapa begini?
Bagaimana boleh terjadi?

Stres?
Tak kuat iman?
Nafsu?
Kecewa dengan yang sebelum ini?

Atau memang kerana perasaan sebenar?
Perasan selesa dan terasa dilindungi apabila ada yang memahami diri ini lebih daripada diri ini faham diri sendiri.

Aku tak tahu.
Yang aku tahu ia salah.
Tapi aku tetap sayangkan kau.

Sayang sangat.
Sehingga tak tahu macam mana nak menghapus perasaan itu.

Sekian.

~najwa

p/s: I miss you already. You know who you are kan? ;) [Walaupun aku tak tahu kau baca atau tak post ni.]

Cuma

Sampai satu masa;
kita tak mahu apa-apa
tak mampu fikir satu benda
tak peduli apa orang kata
hanya mahu bersama
untuk selamanya

Walaupun, itu harapan saja.
Tak mengapa.

[karya Fazleena Hishamuddin, bukan aku.]

~najwa

Hurt

Do you know what it feels like to love somebody but not being able to live with them, like for EVER and EVER?

Well, it hurts.
So bad.

So bad that I feel like it's better for me to just die in a car crash than to have to object to this pain I'm feeling.
So bad that I feel like it's better for me to just die from a disease than to have to object to this pain I'm feeling.

Yes.
It hurts that bad.

~najwa

Tapi

Hanya engkau yang faham aku.
Lebih dari aku faham aku.
Hanya engkau reti aku.
Lebih dari yang lain reti aku.
Hanya engkau tahan aku.
Labih dari yang lain tahan aku.
Hanya engkau bahu aku.
Bahu lain tak sama.
Hanya engkau tisu aku.
Tisu lain tak sama.
Hanya engkau painkiller aku.
Painkiller lain tak setanding.
Hanya engkau laughing gas aku.
Gas lain tak setanding.
Hanya engkau bantal busuk aku.
Bantal lain tak sebusuk engkau.

Hanya engkau faham aku.
Hanya engkau faham aku.
Hanya engkau faham aku.

Tapi

KENAPA HANYA ENGKAU YANG TAK BOLEH UNTUK AKU?!

~najwa

p/s: Catatan zaman rebellious dan zaman kecelaruan.

Sweet dreams :)

I had a very hard time sleeping last night. I couldn’t sleep. I lay on my bed tossing and turning and ended up watching the fan spinning. So, I started thinking. About people.

Have you ever heard that if you think of someone before you dozed off, they might just ended up in your dreams? Well, here goes.

The first person that came into my mind was Shrek the ‘Imaginary Friend’. I think about him for a brief second. Just wondering how’s he doing and whether or not he… misses me (I know it is an inappropriate question for someone who’s in a relationship like this). But that’s just it. I stopped there.

Then I started thinking about my future. I know I’ve said a few times that I would really love settling down in Brunei and marry some nice & romantic guy from here. But then again I came to my senses, that I was currently waiting for Mr. AT and Mr. AT the same. So he came to my mind. I first know him when I was in form 4. I remember when he used to tell me that he is never really good with girls and that I was his first girlfriend. I broke his heart when I decided to break up with him. But he never really gave up. He was always there, until my matriculation years. It was the hardest year for me. Somehow, I feel like we have this special connection between us. Because whenever I’m in trouble, he always suddenly appears out of nowhere asking about what was going on. It’s like he knew what I was going through. So after my break up with the ‘EX’, I started friends again with Mr. AT. We got really close and he confessed to me of his love once again. I was shocked because all this while I only thought of him like an older brother that I never have. But when I think through about things, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t like about him. He doesn’t smoke, he is not that friendly with girls and he is tall, with curly hair and quite buff too. I mean, come on! What more could I ever wanted from a man? And he’s been really nice to me. Not to mention very patient towards my every behavior too! So, I finally said ‘yes’ to him. And I went to bed with my every thought of him in my mind.

When the sun shines through my eyes, I realized that I was with a friend in a very large, loud crowd. It’s like we were in a concert or something. Suddenly a group of six guys appeared out of nowhere. They seemed like they were in a rush and almost knock us off when they walked past us. But they actually just stood behind us. It was crowded and very dense with people all over the place. Suddenly I felt like my right thigh was in contact with something. I turned around to see a man standing very close beside me. He was slightly taller than me, with a very fair skin, and small eyes.  He looks like he’s part Chinese and is just very cute. And bubbly too! We started talking when I noticed that some of the girls around me started glancing and whispering. Then I heard this one girl said, ’That guy is a blogger right?’ The girl behind her looked at him and just slowly nods.

‘He is funny and naughty but very flirtatious.’ She said.

Can I see you in my dreams every night? :)

I heard them and I was surprised but I decided to ignore the girls. So I just talked and laughed all the way through the show with little Mr. I-don’t-know-who. When the show ended, my friend brought me to a restaurant for dinner. From outside the restaurant I saw someone sitting inside the restaurant. He was staring at me, shock was all over his face and I bet I wore the same look on my face too. I knew exactly who he is the moment I saw him. It’s Mr. AT. He was wearing a white shirt that really shows off his physique. My friend chatted with one of the six guys that we saw earlier and they agreed to let us dine with them. It turns out that Mr. AT was one of the six guys so I had to dine with him. I was very nervous as it was my second time meeting him. There were only five of us there; me, my friend, MR. AT, Mr. I-don’t-know-who and his friend. The other three guys showed up much later. To my greatest surprise, the other three guys were Anwar Hadi, Mat Luthfi and another Mr. I-don’t-know-who. I’m guessing that all six of the guys are actually famous bloggers or vloggers. The other three guys sat at another table because ours

are just too crowded already.

All the time during dinner, I just ate silently. My friend seemed to have a really nice chat with Mr. I-don’t-know-who. I noticed that Mr. AT was always looking at me. He also said, ‘Why say you’re big when you are actually so small?’ I know exactly what he’s talking about. By the looks of it, he doesn’t really think that I was as fat like I always told him. I just smiled at him. When he finishes his food, he joined the other table to smoke. That surprises me because as far as I remember, he told me that he doesn’t smoke. Only sometimes when he was with his friends and I thought maybe this is what he meant. After dinner, all 8 of us went for a walk around the building. But I just walked and talked with him. It was very sweet. It’s as if I was on a date with him. My friend was successfully socializing with Mr. I-don’t-know-who. Mr. AT also walked me home. When we’re almost home, I was woken up to a very painful stomachache. That was when I realized that it was all a dream and I didn’t want to wake up. I want to live it through. But I ended up in the toilet anyway. Major stomachache! Almost felt like food poisoning. Guess I ate too much Cheezy Cheese Carbonara yesterday.

I started pondering again and found out that last night I went to bed thinking of Mr. AT. I might have just missed him then. Maybe that is why I dreamt of him. It was the sweetest dream I’ve had so far. And so real too. I can’t wait to be back in KL this June to meet him J

(I also have this wild thought that maybe that Mr. I-don’t-know-who is actually how Shrek looked like because yesterday I did thought of him too before I went to bed)

~najwa

p/s: Now I know why I find it really hard to draft in MS Word before actually posting in Blogger. That’s because of the goddamned green and red (and sometimes blue) underlines! Very distracting.

pp/s: Sorry for the long post. J

Moving on or move on?

Well, I know it’s been weeks since my last post but I really missed blogging. Like, SO MUCH! (Boring intro, I know. Sorry) I got so many things in my mind that I would blog about but the connection here SUCKS. It’s no fun blogging when the connection’s slowmo.

Ok. Moving on. That what I currently have in mind now. Few weeks before I got to Brunei, the EX has been texting me, reminding of the memories we once had together and when I asked him if he wanted us together again he just said that he was not sure and he didn’t mention if he missed me either. So I guessed he was just lonely and kept me in his contact list just because I’m like his booty-call or something. When I told my friends and Gee about this they all agreed that I should just shut him down and ignore him. They also said that they’ll ever forgive me, literally, if I were to be with him again because he’s hurt me so bad and I’ll be stupid if I’m with him again. So I told myself to just forget him. Ignore him. Shut him down.

But then I came across these:

‘Just because somebody hurt us once, it doesn’t mean that we have to permanently delete them from our phone book.’ (I know that but he DESERVED to be deleted from my phone book!)

‘Things change. People grow.’

And I thought she was gonna say 'People change.’ But she didn’t. That’s what made me think. I moved on I made it very clear to myself that I wasn’t gonna fall to my ex’s trap again. If she did say ‘People change’, then I know for sure that he is NOT gonna change. But she said ‘People grow’. And that got me thinking. I was thinking that people really did grow. I was thinking what if one day, the ex started to finally GROW and be matured and managed to think rationally about his past, no, OUR past, and came to me, what should I do then? Should I accept him again? Are my friends and family going to forgive me if I do that?

But the questions were left hanging. Unanswered. And I’m confused. I guess it’s better to just move on now and think less about him. I’ve been thinking too much about him already. I should stop. Keep calm and move my ass on. Yea, I think I’m gonna do that. Just let the future be future. We don’t wanna ruin the surprise now, do we? J

~najwa

p/s: I got that quotes from Mrs Ashley Marin of Pretty Little Liars. Yea, currently watching it. This drama got me thinking about a lot of things. Just for extra information, it was from Season 2, Episode 3. And today is Azim’s birthday. Happy birthday there old pal.