You

Hey you.
Yea you.

How are you?
Is everything okay?
Did you arrive safely?

I miss you already.

It's going to be a very long week after this.

I love you. I miss you. Good night Munky Boo.

:)

~najwa

p/s: Thank you for a very great week together. Walaupun terperap je, I had so much fun. As long as it is with you, kan? ;)

What Hurts The Most - Rascal Flatts

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ‘em out

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
(Much to say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do, oh
Oh yeah

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
(To say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Not seein' that lovin' you
That's what I was trying to do, ooo

~najwa

p/s: All applause goes to Rascal Flatts for such great music and such great lyrics :)

p/p/s: This has got absolutely nothing to do with what I'm feeling right now. But who knows I might need these one day.

Gaduh

Gaduh time sekolah menengah senang nak lari. Boleh apply untuk tukar sekolah.
Gaduh time matrik, boleh tahan lagi. Sebab matrik setahun dua je.
Tapi gaduh sekarang, masa universiti?

Nak pindah?
Memang tak la. Dah la course aku ni susah nak dapat kat U lain.

Nak berenti?
Aku punye kelayakan ni tak cukup lagi untuk terus stop belajar.

The only way was to bear with it for another 3 years. I hope I am strong enough to go through all this.

~najwa

p/s: Luah sini sebab aku dalam proses memboikot Twitter.

Good things

Good thing I get to be the first to bring you to IKEA to eat meatballs.
Good thing I went to see Fynn Jamal with you.
Good thing I get to spend the whole day of the 6th of July with you.
Good thing I get to buy hamper things with you for the PEKA program.
Good thing I get to do all the nicest, fun things with you.
I hope you feel the same.
I miss you.
But I know that we'll never get to do those things again.
And the thought of it hurts me.

~najwa

What bugs me

Maybe what bugs me the most was the fact that you are not around and you don't reply me. Let alone waiting for you to start texting me first. Memang tak la.

~najwa

p/s: Yes. I'm clingy and very dependent like that when it comes to intimate relationship. Hence explains why I am so 'manja'.

p/p/s: Have you forgotten me? Did you not miss me? :(

Currently

Currently thinking of ways to avoid you.
Currently thinking of ways to be away from you.
Currently trying to erase these feelings.
Currently trying to find your replacement (which of course will never be as perfect as you. THIS is HARD. And if I can, I never want to do this).
Currently browsing through other universities that offers my course.
Currently doing anything that would take my mind of you.
Currently.
Currently.
Currently.



But how I wish things are easier for us so that I never have to do all of these things. So that both of us remain unhurt.

~najwa

p/s: Need to find work ASAP so that I can stop thinking of YOU. Thinking of you tears me apart.

Ramadhan

So today is the second day of Ramadhan.

The month where we should control our nafs.
The month where we should do good deeds.
The month where we should do nice things.
The month where we should do soul cleansing.
The month where we should repent.

I guess that is what she's doing now.
I guess I should do the same.

I am too messed up to begin with.
It's time to wake up.

~najwa

p/s: Heart is no longer here. Heart is with you. It will always be with you even though I'm with other people. It will always be with you. This heartbreak is killing me.

Kau, Aku tak suka

Aku paling tak suka bila kau berahsia
Bila kau susah cerita

Tapi aku tahu.
Aku tak boleh buat apa
Aku tak boleh paksa

Sebab hak bukan milik aku

Kan?

~najwa

p/s: Hari pertama Ramadhan dah 'banjir'. Tapi yang tu takpe. Yang tu boleh cover sebab masa tu tengah tengok cerita 'The Last Song'. Hari kedua Ramadhan lebih mencabar rupanya. Hari kedua terus mandi air mata lepas baca semua tu.. Esok macam mana pulak? :|

Dah tak ada

Dah tak ada gambar2 tu kat akaun kau.
Tak apa.
Aku faham.

~najwa

p/s: Tipu kalau kata tak sedih. Berair-air mata. Meleleh-leleh air mata. Tapi sampai bila gambar 'aku' nak terus menghiasi akaun kau kan? Takpe. Aku faham

p/p/s: Rasa macam nak deactivate akaun Twitter. What good does it do when every time you log in, you ended up crying because the Tweets there hurt you so bad.

p/p/p/s: I guess that means I'm going to lose my shoulder to cry on. The only person that can stand hearing me babbling. The only person that understands me. :'((((

maybe

maybe we should just part ways
maybe we need time away from each other
maybe
just maybe
that way
we can finally think clearly
think rationally
and go our own way

back to earth
back to life
back to reality

returning to our life where we'll live in denial
that our hearts are one
but are never together

~najwa

Dan bila putus...

Dan jika putus,
Jika semua putus, adakah kita akan berlagak seperti saling tak kenal?
Seperti kita tak pernah bebal?
Seperti kita sudah sesal?

Itu kah?

Pasti pedih jika itu jalan penyelesaiannya.

~najwa

Terkadang

Terkadang aku terfikir.

Apa jalan penyelesaian kita?

Putuskan semua yang ada dan lupa segala yang ada...

Atau terus, terus dan terus maju tanpa ada salah apa?

~najwa

My Other Half

Marah aku, kau yang redakan.
Senyap aku, hanya kau yang mampu hilangkan.
Bahagia aku, kau gembira.
Sedih aku, kau sakit bila tahu.
Sakit aku, kau jagakan.

What more can I say?
You complete me.
You are, my other half.

~najwa

Tanya, Jawab, Salah

Terkadang aku tanyakan pada diri sendiri
Kenapa begini?
Bagaimana boleh terjadi?

Stres?
Tak kuat iman?
Nafsu?
Kecewa dengan yang sebelum ini?

Atau memang kerana perasaan sebenar?
Perasan selesa dan terasa dilindungi apabila ada yang memahami diri ini lebih daripada diri ini faham diri sendiri.

Aku tak tahu.
Yang aku tahu ia salah.
Tapi aku tetap sayangkan kau.

Sayang sangat.
Sehingga tak tahu macam mana nak menghapus perasaan itu.

Sekian.

~najwa

p/s: I miss you already. You know who you are kan? ;) [Walaupun aku tak tahu kau baca atau tak post ni.]

Cuma

Sampai satu masa;
kita tak mahu apa-apa
tak mampu fikir satu benda
tak peduli apa orang kata
hanya mahu bersama
untuk selamanya

Walaupun, itu harapan saja.
Tak mengapa.

[karya Fazleena Hishamuddin, bukan aku.]

~najwa

Hurt

Do you know what it feels like to love somebody but not being able to live with them, like for EVER and EVER?

Well, it hurts.
So bad.

So bad that I feel like it's better for me to just die in a car crash than to have to object to this pain I'm feeling.
So bad that I feel like it's better for me to just die from a disease than to have to object to this pain I'm feeling.

Yes.
It hurts that bad.

~najwa

Jika ada

Yang sompek itu aku
Yang buruk itu aku
Yang pecah itu aku
Yang cacat itu aku
Yang busuk itu aku
Yang cela itu aku
Yang kosong itu aku
Yang kurang itu aku.

Jadi jika ada mana-mana yang masih sanggup menerima aku, memenuhkan aku, mencantum pecah aku, aku terima. Nuff said.


~najwa

p/s: Because I am one messed up kid.

Faham. Sakit rasanya.

Skarang aku faham.
Bila dia cakap dia dah tak boleh bergurau tu macam mana rasanya.
Rasa pedih.
Not being able to joke around and hang around with someone you like without ever feeling guilty.
Sorry Atiqah. Sorry..!
:'(

~najwa

p/s: Ya Allah, dah lama tak rasa macam ni. Dugaan apa yang kau turunkan ni? Rasa sedih dan pedih hati sebijik macam masa aku break up dengan Man dulu. Ya Allah, tabahkanlah hati hambaMu yang lemah ini Ya Allah. Aku mohon daripada mu Ya Allah!

p/p/s: Banyak post luahan hati kat cni sebab dah tak boleh nak Tweet dengan bebas. Sebab memasing dah ada TweetDeck. Memasing stalk memasing. Memasing tau cerita memasing. Thank you and fuck you TweetDeck. Dan sebab aku dan Atiqah terlampau rapat sampai kami tau apa maksud Tweets kami. Kannnn? Shit bila dah terlalu rapat dan terlalu memahami. SHIT.

Saya hipokrit.

Aku berkonfrontasi dengan dia si kawan baik tadi.
Kami go all out. Heart to heart.
Dia nangis. First time dia nangis. Depan aku.
Nope, scratch that. Second time.
Dia luah semua.
Then dia cakap, 'Mesti sebab kita dah terlalu rapat.'
Aku sedih. Bila ayat tu keluar dari mulut dia, aku sentap.
Sedih. Sebak. Sunyi.
Macam masa Man mula-mula nak break up dengan aku dulu.
Macam tu la aku rasa.
Kesian jugak dia. Sebab dia jenis kawan dengan semua.
Tapi sebab aku, semua orang terasa dengan dia.
Terasa macam dia lupakan dorang.
Dan baru tadi dia mengaku yang sebenarnya dia rasa awkward.
Hari tu dia tak nak mengaku.
Bersungguh-sungguh dia menipu.
Sampai mati-mati aku percaya.
Tadi sampai menangis dia nak mengaku ke-awkward-an dia tu.
Pastu dia nangis lagi.
Dia cakap dia nak gurau dengan aku.
Nak touch-touch aku.
Nak tumbuk-tumbuk aku.
Tapi sebab dia awkward, dia tak nak buat.
Then terus kitorang jadi renggang sebab da kurang bergurau senda.
Macam apa je.
Dia jarang nak mencarut.
Tapi bila dia luah tadi, bila dia nangis, dia keluar SHIT sebijik.
Aku terkejut.
Aku tak tahan da.
Tak boleh layan lagi dah perasaan ni.
Makin di layan, makin menjadi-jadi nanti.
Dah la esok nak exam Genetik.
Tapi sebelum keluar aku cakap, 'Atiqah, sorry.'
Dia tanya kenapa?
'Sebab saya lagi tua daripada awak. Saya tak sepatutnya biar semua ni terjadi.'
Then aku terus blah.
Macam tu je.

Pastu dia text, saying everything is going to be alright.
Mulanya aku tak nak reply. Aku speechless.
Tapi aku takut dia rasa serba salah and tak boleh study, so aku reply jugak.

Shit la bila terlalu rapat. Shit la bila terlalu selesa. Shit la bila nak alone pun tak boleh.
Shit la bila terlalu bergantung kat orang.
Shit la bila orang dah tak respect kita. Shit la 2nd semester ni.
Shit.
Shit.
SHIT!

Aku balik, nak study. Tapi hati tak tenteram.
Baru hati tergerak nak bukak ayat-ayat Quran, zikir-zikir.
Aku rasa hina betul. Jijik dengan diri sendiri.
Sebab bila dah jadi macam-macam SHIT macam ni, baru aku nak dengar segala bapak zikir.
HIPOKRIT.

~najwa
p/s: Nampak tak how the word awkward boleh menjahanam kan sebuah persahabatan?!

p/p/s: Saya sayang awak Atiqah. Saya suka berkawan dengan awak. Tapi kalau dah jadi macam ni, saya pun dah tak tau nak buat macam mana dah. Sorry kerana dah mencalarkan sebuah persahabatan yang suci. Sorry. :((((

Dulu dulu dulu dan Sekarang.

Aku cuma nak lepak bilik kau macam dulu.
Buat kerja kat bilik kau macam dulu.
Gurau-gurau dengan kau macam dulu.
Kongsi masalah dengan kau macam dulu.
Pegang tangan kau sebelum tido macam dulu.
Singgah bilik kau sebelum pergi kelas macam dulu.

Semua macam dulu tanpa awkward macam sekarang.

~najwa
p/s: I fucking hate the word AWKWARD!!!