Hurt

Do you know what it feels like to love somebody but not being able to live with them, like for EVER and EVER?

Well, it hurts.
So bad.

So bad that I feel like it's better for me to just die in a car crash than to have to object to this pain I'm feeling.
So bad that I feel like it's better for me to just die from a disease than to have to object to this pain I'm feeling.

Yes.
It hurts that bad.

~najwa

Jika ada

Yang sompek itu aku
Yang buruk itu aku
Yang pecah itu aku
Yang cacat itu aku
Yang busuk itu aku
Yang cela itu aku
Yang kosong itu aku
Yang kurang itu aku.

Jadi jika ada mana-mana yang masih sanggup menerima aku, memenuhkan aku, mencantum pecah aku, aku terima. Nuff said.


~najwa

p/s: Because I am one messed up kid.

Faham. Sakit rasanya.

Skarang aku faham.
Bila dia cakap dia dah tak boleh bergurau tu macam mana rasanya.
Rasa pedih.
Not being able to joke around and hang around with someone you like without ever feeling guilty.
Sorry Atiqah. Sorry..!
:'(

~najwa

p/s: Ya Allah, dah lama tak rasa macam ni. Dugaan apa yang kau turunkan ni? Rasa sedih dan pedih hati sebijik macam masa aku break up dengan Man dulu. Ya Allah, tabahkanlah hati hambaMu yang lemah ini Ya Allah. Aku mohon daripada mu Ya Allah!

p/p/s: Banyak post luahan hati kat cni sebab dah tak boleh nak Tweet dengan bebas. Sebab memasing dah ada TweetDeck. Memasing stalk memasing. Memasing tau cerita memasing. Thank you and fuck you TweetDeck. Dan sebab aku dan Atiqah terlampau rapat sampai kami tau apa maksud Tweets kami. Kannnn? Shit bila dah terlalu rapat dan terlalu memahami. SHIT.

Saya hipokrit.

Aku berkonfrontasi dengan dia si kawan baik tadi.
Kami go all out. Heart to heart.
Dia nangis. First time dia nangis. Depan aku.
Nope, scratch that. Second time.
Dia luah semua.
Then dia cakap, 'Mesti sebab kita dah terlalu rapat.'
Aku sedih. Bila ayat tu keluar dari mulut dia, aku sentap.
Sedih. Sebak. Sunyi.
Macam masa Man mula-mula nak break up dengan aku dulu.
Macam tu la aku rasa.
Kesian jugak dia. Sebab dia jenis kawan dengan semua.
Tapi sebab aku, semua orang terasa dengan dia.
Terasa macam dia lupakan dorang.
Dan baru tadi dia mengaku yang sebenarnya dia rasa awkward.
Hari tu dia tak nak mengaku.
Bersungguh-sungguh dia menipu.
Sampai mati-mati aku percaya.
Tadi sampai menangis dia nak mengaku ke-awkward-an dia tu.
Pastu dia nangis lagi.
Dia cakap dia nak gurau dengan aku.
Nak touch-touch aku.
Nak tumbuk-tumbuk aku.
Tapi sebab dia awkward, dia tak nak buat.
Then terus kitorang jadi renggang sebab da kurang bergurau senda.
Macam apa je.
Dia jarang nak mencarut.
Tapi bila dia luah tadi, bila dia nangis, dia keluar SHIT sebijik.
Aku terkejut.
Aku tak tahan da.
Tak boleh layan lagi dah perasaan ni.
Makin di layan, makin menjadi-jadi nanti.
Dah la esok nak exam Genetik.
Tapi sebelum keluar aku cakap, 'Atiqah, sorry.'
Dia tanya kenapa?
'Sebab saya lagi tua daripada awak. Saya tak sepatutnya biar semua ni terjadi.'
Then aku terus blah.
Macam tu je.

Pastu dia text, saying everything is going to be alright.
Mulanya aku tak nak reply. Aku speechless.
Tapi aku takut dia rasa serba salah and tak boleh study, so aku reply jugak.

Shit la bila terlalu rapat. Shit la bila terlalu selesa. Shit la bila nak alone pun tak boleh.
Shit la bila terlalu bergantung kat orang.
Shit la bila orang dah tak respect kita. Shit la 2nd semester ni.
Shit.
Shit.
SHIT!

Aku balik, nak study. Tapi hati tak tenteram.
Baru hati tergerak nak bukak ayat-ayat Quran, zikir-zikir.
Aku rasa hina betul. Jijik dengan diri sendiri.
Sebab bila dah jadi macam-macam SHIT macam ni, baru aku nak dengar segala bapak zikir.
HIPOKRIT.

~najwa
p/s: Nampak tak how the word awkward boleh menjahanam kan sebuah persahabatan?!

p/p/s: Saya sayang awak Atiqah. Saya suka berkawan dengan awak. Tapi kalau dah jadi macam ni, saya pun dah tak tau nak buat macam mana dah. Sorry kerana dah mencalarkan sebuah persahabatan yang suci. Sorry. :((((

FUCK the word AWKWARD

She slept at my place a few nights ago. And when she woke up, we snuggled a bit. Under my covers. We whispered, we talked, we hugged, we snuggled. Snuggled in a way best friends would do. But maybe the sight of us snuggling are just too intimate for others to see because when I peeked outside I saw one of my roomies spying on us with a disgusted look on her face. We were shocked and we went to my best friends' room. We were absolutely clueless about what happened earlier. After few minutes of discussing, we decided to act as normal as we possibly can. And when my best friend went to pick up her toothpaste from my bathroom, she saw my roomies gossiping with each other and my best friend said to me, 'By the looks of it, I knew they were talking about us.'

Since then, everything went really awkward around us. Around most of my close friends. So, I guess the news has spread. Thank you bitch. For you and your fat mouth and for ruining my social cycle. Thank you.

~najwa

p/s: Ada sedikit penipuan dalam post ini. Cari lah kalau larat.

p/p/s: Learn your lesson Wa.

Dulu dulu dulu dan Sekarang.

Aku cuma nak lepak bilik kau macam dulu.
Buat kerja kat bilik kau macam dulu.
Gurau-gurau dengan kau macam dulu.
Kongsi masalah dengan kau macam dulu.
Pegang tangan kau sebelum tido macam dulu.
Singgah bilik kau sebelum pergi kelas macam dulu.

Semua macam dulu tanpa awkward macam sekarang.

~najwa
p/s: I fucking hate the word AWKWARD!!!

An Ending

I know what we did was wrong.
I know what I did to you was wrong.
I know what we did made you feel awkward.
But for once, can't you just consider my feelings?
But for once, can't you understand that it made me feel awkward too?
It's not easy for me too.
FUCK what we did in the past time.
I am trying very hard here to try and save our friendship back.
But if you won't cooperate, then I gave up.
I won't bounce back to you.
I feel damn rejected by you already.
What you said was true; 'Don't get too close to people, it'll just hurt ourselves.'
Thank you. Now the words backfired to us.
Thanks for being such a great listener and friend before 'it' happened.

Goodbye.

~najwa
p/s: Please let me finish Degree as soon as possible! I hate the people here!

Shitty but Happy

How can you possibly be happy and shitty at the same time?

I was extremely happy today and had so much fun but then came this little girl and she ruined my day and made me feel shitty all over again.

But you know what bebe, I just need to be around the people I like just to feel happy. I don't need to be around her to make me feel bad about me self.

~najwa

p/s: I joined a futsal match today. It was my first time and we won GOLD..! Yeayy me..!

p/p/s: Happy 21st birthday Najwa. I love you :D

This is a hate post! #1

This is a hate post. So if you think you can't bear my words and the language I used here, don't even bother reading. Thank you :)

Here goes. (It's not too late to back off now).







YOU ARE ONE SICK BITCH..!!

ONE FRIGGIN COPYCAT..! SUCH A FAKE! SHOW OFF..!

Aku rasa memang aku tak boleh tahan betul dengan perangai kau. Like seriously bitch. You are such a bitch. Sick bitch. A very sick one.

Mula2 kau mendengki. Pastu kau copycat. Fake.
Semua barang yang aku ada semua kau nak ada jugak.
Semua barang yang aku beli semua kau nak beli jugak.
Semua benda yang aku suka, semua kau nak suka jugak.

Like whatdehelll laaa...

Get your own life la.

Pastu sesuka hati suruh aku angkut barang kau. Ingat aku ni kuli batak kau ke..??!
Bengong betul. Menyakitkan hati. Memang kalau ada manusia yang suka mencabar kesabaran aku, kau la orangnya.

~najwa

p/s: Kak Fynn, tolongla bagi kata2 semangat nak menghadapi manusia macam ni... Sedihh...! Pedih...!

Private Moment

Did I not earn my own private moment?

Setiap kali aku bangun awal pagi untuk belajar, itu adalah kerana aku nak sedikit waktu peribadi untuk aku luangkan dengan diri aku SAHAJA! Kerana malam-malamku dan petang-petangku telah dicerobohi oleh rakan-rakan. Tapi kenapa yang tu pun korang tak mampu nak bagi? Tak boleh ke bagi aku private time tu?

Tahu tak apa itu comfort zone? Tahu tak apa itu personal space?

Kau senang je keluar masuk bilik aku, tunggang tonggeng atas katil aku. Bila kau datang, kau datang sesuka hati. Bila kau datang sesuka hati tu kalau setakat nak buat hal sendiri aku kira boleh terima lagi. Tapi bila kau mula nak kacau orang, annoying gila babi and intimidating, tu dah mengganggu ketenteraman aku. Eh HELLO! That's my space. My personal space! Tolong hormat boleh?? Bila kau nak buat assignment ke ape ke yang memerlukan konsentrasi dan fokus, pandai pulak kau cari personal space kau; bilik kau tu.

Bila aku heret laptop dan segala buku bagai keluar, pandai pulak kau tanya kenapa aku buat kerja kat luar. Tak cukup dengan tu, kau pun heret segala harta kau jugak. Pastu nak annoying depan aku. Dah kenapa?

Please la, aku mohon, tolong la bagi aku some private time with myself. I FUCKING NEED IT..! I need my own personal space!

Once again I ask the question I asked earlier,

DID I NOT EARN MY OWN PRIVATE MOMENT?!

So far, the answer is still NO. Dammit!

~najwa

p/s: Please, respect other people's space and feelings. You can't just ignore those just because you think you are close friends with them. Respect their belongings, space, feelings. Jangan main lanyak ikut sedap hati kau!

p/p/s: Okay, terlampau garang pulak post ni. Pardon me.

Mempertikai, Dipertikaikan

Sedih bila ada yang mempertikai keputusan kami balik semenanjung disebabkan perang tu. Katanya;

>> Fikirlah sesuatu itu secara matang

>> jgn cepat paranoid

>> mcm mane nak berjihad utk pertahankan negara sedangkan baru sikit ujian...da TAKUT

>> Jgn disebabkan penyakit MALAS...kite mudah utuk mengalah dalam mencari ilmu

>> Ingatlah di mana2 ade maut

>> Bagaimana kalau terjadi semenanjung?? kite nak pindah Sabah pulak kew??

>> Kdg2 sy x pham...bgaimane cara mereka berfikir??

>> Ibu bapa akn tenang sekiranya kite bercerita semuanya OK sahaja 

>> Menuntut ilmu itu salah satu jihad..^___^

"Kdg2 sy x pham...bgaimane cara mereka berfikir??"

"Kdg2 sy x pham...bgaimane cara mereka berfikir??"

"Kdg2 sy x pham...bgaimane cara mereka berfikir??"

Statement yang tu memang paling xleh blah! Cara dia cakap macam bagus. Dia tak sedar ke yang LIFE is LIKE THAT? He or she cannot expect people to be like them. Different people, different ways, different parents. What I mean by different parents is that some parents may tolerate us being in that kind of situation but some, they are worried as hell and couldn't bear if anything happened to their children knowing that they could have avoid risking their child.

Dan katanya lagi, 'Ingatlah di mana2 ade maut'. So true. I've been saying that to myself ever since the war and ever since mama kept asking me whether or not I want to go back to KL. Honestly, I didn't want to go back. I would really love to stay in SPL even though the war is haunting me every night and I find it really hard to sleep at night. But the thought that I'm making my mama worried sick just because of me, I decided to go back. My mama, she have high blood pressure. I don't want her to get sick worrying about me. She have got loads of things to be worried about. But I'm not gonna be one of them.

So, to those of you who are trying to look down at us because we're leaving the WAR ZONE, shut your big fucking mouth! Place yourself in our shoes and you'll know what it feels like to be us. Cakap pasal pengecut la apa la, why not korang je yang pergi perang kat Lahad Datu tu...?! Ada berani..?! Ni semua pakat ikut pindah pergi KK then enjoying yourselves kat 1B and then complaining here and there. Such a pain in the ass you know.

Cermin diri sendiri sebelum cakap apa-apa. Or it might get back to you.

~najwa

p/s: People with their one minded minds, they're getting on my nerves.

Are we safe here?

That is a question that I myself did not dare answer.

There's been a war between Malaysia and the descendant of Sultan Suluk of Philippines in Lahad Datu. And I'm currently in Sandakan. Well, SPL UMS is in Sandakan. We don't how bad it's going to be and we kept asking ourselves, "Are we going to be okay?", "Are we safe here?" and parents kept calling asking how we're doing and what actually happened. The truth is, we don't know.

Map of Sabah (for your reference, just in case)

We don't know how safe or how serious this thing is right now. And what bummed us the most is the fact that the national news said that everything is under control when people are already dead with the intrusions and gun fighting.

Above: Officers that died during the gun fighting
Below: Officers that are badly injured.

And now I'm begging all of you to pray the very best for Lahad Datu. May victory will always be with us. InsyaALLAH. Amiin.

~najwa

p/s: My hands are sore from playing badminton earlier this evening.

Rules in Friendship

Since I was feeling so bad about myself and about me being a very bad friend, I decided to Google the rules in friendship. And the results were:


1-Honesty
2-Reliability
3-Respect
4- Bros Before Hoes
5-Selfless
6-Loyalty in both good times and bad
7-Patience
8- Laugh Together Cry Together
9-Constructive Criticism
10- Forgiveness
11- Don't Date a Friend's Ex
12- Don't Steal Friends
13- Take Turns
14- Stand By Your Friends
15- Don't Blow Them Off
16- Keep your words and do what you say you'll do.
17- Do not talk bad about your friends.
18- Consider their point of views
19- Offer help without expecting anything in return.
20- Do not encourage them to violate their morals and principles.


Read more here, here and here.

So that's about it. A lesson to learn.

~najwa

p/s: Hope you guys find this post beneficial for you who are lost just like me.

I have a bad feeling about this.

I know I am not always a good friend. I have moodswings. I get over-sensitive at times. And now that Yusrina is gone, I feel so.. alone. So.. empty. :(

Today I volunteered to fetch Basyiroh from the airport when nobody even bothered to fetch her. I went with Wani and Kelly. It was tiring and I am getting broke. I've been out and about every single day this week, being other people's driver and that cost me money. I did invite Na and Atiq to come with me but they refused. Well, Na refused and Atiq remained silent.

When I got back, I found that Na and Atiq were out with Syikin and Intan. That made me feel sad. We used to be so close and we used to go outing together but now, everything's changed. And what with Atiq not talking to me. I don't know but ever since she got back from KL, it seems like she's been avoiding me. 

I noticed now that livestockers are always with livestockers now and crop students are always with their own group of friends. Am I that bad of a friend that all my friends seems to be leaving me out? I can't even describe how lonely I feel right now (I am about to cry).

I don't think that things will go back to normal. I don't think I will share secrets with anyone again now. I can not rely on anybody right now.

So, from today onward, I decided to be friends with everyone but not to rely on them too much. After all, when all is lost or when everybody is busy with their friends, I will always have my Obor-obor with me :')

~najwa

p/s: Already I'm so lonesome I could die. I miss Yusrina.

Another goodbye and a birthday

This post is for Yusrina Yunus.

Selama masa final exam first semester hari tu aku dah memang nampak 'kekosongan' kat jiwa Yusrina. Dia macam tak boleh nak study. Study apa pun macam tak lekat dalam otak dia. She applied for UiTM. And Alhamdulillah, she got in. Dia dapat course chemical engineering. And semalam dia fly balik semenanjung to prepare for her registration. So, goodluck Yus. We love you so much! ;) And oh! Today's Atiq's 20th birthday! Happy birthday dear. :)

From left: Haslina, Syazwani, Tatiana, Yusrina, Atiqah, Kak Dayah, Kelly
Not in picture: ME! (I'm the photographer)

Atiq's birthday cake. Happy 20th birthday Atiq. We love you.

~najwa

p/s: I'm sure gonna miss my bed buddy and I don't want another bed buddy other than her! :(

This is a story of why I hate goodbyes.

I know there's 'good' in goodbye but I think that only applies to goodbyes in failed relationships.

I've said enough goodbyes for now and most of them weren't really something I would like to repeat.

Conclusionally (is that even a word?), there are three main reasons why I really hated goodbyes.

First of all, there's my mom who'd always go overboard with her emotions every time me or my sister are going back to Malaysia after our holidays. But that's just mom. She have a very soft heart and I know all mothers would feel the same way when it's about saying goodbye to their children.

Goodbye = Letting go

Then there's fights before goodbyes. This, I experienced thrice. First there was this very devastating fight that leads to a break up goodbye. Yeah, that was the hardest goodbye so far. Then there's my mom & dad fighting just about half an hour before my flight. They were fighting about money; like they always do. At that time I was trying so hard to held back the tears in my eyes. I never felt like running away from home as much as I did at that time. It was really depressing. I couldn't look into my parents' eyes and couldn't really say my goodbyes properly. And I remember very clearly that I couldn't stop crying in the departure hall. I was alone and all puffed up and can't stop crying. That was one. Then there's another one, when I was about to leave home for university. We departed from Tg Malim and was apparently late for my flight. So dad sped up and was driving like a mad man! Speedometer shows 150 to 200 km/h. And mom couldn't stop babbling about how fast he was. But that's just mom. I know she's worried. And when we reached the airport my dad scolded my mom for all the noise but all the same was very thankful that we managed to arrive on time. That was again, another time when I had to say goodbye to a fighting pair of parents.

My little sister (G) and little brother (Aiman)

Lastly, knowing that you're about to leave something that you truly love is one of the hardest thing about saying goodbyes. I just had my semester break in Brunei for about a month and I dare say that this holiday was the best so far. Dad's finally got control of his moodswings and everybody was so grown up and very adorable already. I kind of liked being there and didn't feel like going back to uni at all. So, the morning of my flight day, I got up super early to look at my brothers and sisters for the last time before they went to school. I woke up to a grumpy Adib, my youngest brother. When mom asked him to say goodbye to me, he just shook my hand and waited outside. He wouldn't even look at me. I was a bit sad but then I just let him be. But mom told me that Adib didn't like goodbyes and are always acting like that every time someone is leaving. Later that night, when I was already in KK, mom texted me. She told me that she had dinner with Adib and they had a conversation. Here goes,

Mama: Adib, do you miss Wawa?

Adib: Yeah, I feel strange because this t-shirt smells like her *sniffs his Batman shirt* and it smells good. (Maybe because I did the laundry and I did washed that shirt)

Adib, my perfect little git!

So yeah. I haven't really cried over the last goodbye, but as I'm writing this, I'm crying. I couldn't stand it any longer. How I miss that little git and how I missed his cheeky attitude. And how I missed all of them so much right now!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I hated goodbye so much!

And are about to say yet another goodbye in a few days. A very good friend is moving out of UMS. Sad.

Me and my dad before my flight back to KK.

My mom and I before my flight back to KK.

~najwa

p/s: Can I just be a full time house maid in my parents' house?! I wanna go home! I wanna be with them always! ;(((

berhenti

kau.

apa yang ada kat badan kau semua aku ada.
semua lubang yang ada kat badan kau semua sama dengan aku
bahagian mana yang kau tak faham?

tolonglah berhenti mengendeng kat badan aku.
tolonglah berhenti mengomel tentang segala apa yang aku lakukan.
tolonglah berhenti meraba-raba aku.
tolonglah berhenti lekatkan badan kau kat badan aku.
tolonglah berhenti.

aku bukan seorang yang ria macam kau.
harap maklum.

~najwa

p/s: Do I look like I'm gay?!

YOU!

Hey you!

Hands off my valuables!

Feet off my bed!

Mouth off from everything that I'm doing!

Hands off my body!

Get off of my life!!!


QUIT snuggling me in the mornings!

I AM NOT YOUR GAY PARTNER! GEDDIT?!

UGH!!! SERIOUSLY?!

~najwa

p/s: I need some time for myself. Get outta my space. You are suffocating me!

Sweet dreams :)

I had a very hard time sleeping last night. I couldn’t sleep. I lay on my bed tossing and turning and ended up watching the fan spinning. So, I started thinking. About people.

Have you ever heard that if you think of someone before you dozed off, they might just ended up in your dreams? Well, here goes.

The first person that came into my mind was Shrek the ‘Imaginary Friend’. I think about him for a brief second. Just wondering how’s he doing and whether or not he… misses me (I know it is an inappropriate question for someone who’s in a relationship like this). But that’s just it. I stopped there.

Then I started thinking about my future. I know I’ve said a few times that I would really love settling down in Brunei and marry some nice & romantic guy from here. But then again I came to my senses, that I was currently waiting for Mr. AT and Mr. AT the same. So he came to my mind. I first know him when I was in form 4. I remember when he used to tell me that he is never really good with girls and that I was his first girlfriend. I broke his heart when I decided to break up with him. But he never really gave up. He was always there, until my matriculation years. It was the hardest year for me. Somehow, I feel like we have this special connection between us. Because whenever I’m in trouble, he always suddenly appears out of nowhere asking about what was going on. It’s like he knew what I was going through. So after my break up with the ‘EX’, I started friends again with Mr. AT. We got really close and he confessed to me of his love once again. I was shocked because all this while I only thought of him like an older brother that I never have. But when I think through about things, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t like about him. He doesn’t smoke, he is not that friendly with girls and he is tall, with curly hair and quite buff too. I mean, come on! What more could I ever wanted from a man? And he’s been really nice to me. Not to mention very patient towards my every behavior too! So, I finally said ‘yes’ to him. And I went to bed with my every thought of him in my mind.

When the sun shines through my eyes, I realized that I was with a friend in a very large, loud crowd. It’s like we were in a concert or something. Suddenly a group of six guys appeared out of nowhere. They seemed like they were in a rush and almost knock us off when they walked past us. But they actually just stood behind us. It was crowded and very dense with people all over the place. Suddenly I felt like my right thigh was in contact with something. I turned around to see a man standing very close beside me. He was slightly taller than me, with a very fair skin, and small eyes.  He looks like he’s part Chinese and is just very cute. And bubbly too! We started talking when I noticed that some of the girls around me started glancing and whispering. Then I heard this one girl said, ’That guy is a blogger right?’ The girl behind her looked at him and just slowly nods.

‘He is funny and naughty but very flirtatious.’ She said.

Can I see you in my dreams every night? :)

I heard them and I was surprised but I decided to ignore the girls. So I just talked and laughed all the way through the show with little Mr. I-don’t-know-who. When the show ended, my friend brought me to a restaurant for dinner. From outside the restaurant I saw someone sitting inside the restaurant. He was staring at me, shock was all over his face and I bet I wore the same look on my face too. I knew exactly who he is the moment I saw him. It’s Mr. AT. He was wearing a white shirt that really shows off his physique. My friend chatted with one of the six guys that we saw earlier and they agreed to let us dine with them. It turns out that Mr. AT was one of the six guys so I had to dine with him. I was very nervous as it was my second time meeting him. There were only five of us there; me, my friend, MR. AT, Mr. I-don’t-know-who and his friend. The other three guys showed up much later. To my greatest surprise, the other three guys were Anwar Hadi, Mat Luthfi and another Mr. I-don’t-know-who. I’m guessing that all six of the guys are actually famous bloggers or vloggers. The other three guys sat at another table because ours

are just too crowded already.

All the time during dinner, I just ate silently. My friend seemed to have a really nice chat with Mr. I-don’t-know-who. I noticed that Mr. AT was always looking at me. He also said, ‘Why say you’re big when you are actually so small?’ I know exactly what he’s talking about. By the looks of it, he doesn’t really think that I was as fat like I always told him. I just smiled at him. When he finishes his food, he joined the other table to smoke. That surprises me because as far as I remember, he told me that he doesn’t smoke. Only sometimes when he was with his friends and I thought maybe this is what he meant. After dinner, all 8 of us went for a walk around the building. But I just walked and talked with him. It was very sweet. It’s as if I was on a date with him. My friend was successfully socializing with Mr. I-don’t-know-who. Mr. AT also walked me home. When we’re almost home, I was woken up to a very painful stomachache. That was when I realized that it was all a dream and I didn’t want to wake up. I want to live it through. But I ended up in the toilet anyway. Major stomachache! Almost felt like food poisoning. Guess I ate too much Cheezy Cheese Carbonara yesterday.

I started pondering again and found out that last night I went to bed thinking of Mr. AT. I might have just missed him then. Maybe that is why I dreamt of him. It was the sweetest dream I’ve had so far. And so real too. I can’t wait to be back in KL this June to meet him J

(I also have this wild thought that maybe that Mr. I-don’t-know-who is actually how Shrek looked like because yesterday I did thought of him too before I went to bed)

~najwa

p/s: Now I know why I find it really hard to draft in MS Word before actually posting in Blogger. That’s because of the goddamned green and red (and sometimes blue) underlines! Very distracting.

pp/s: Sorry for the long post. J

Moving on or move on?

Well, I know it’s been weeks since my last post but I really missed blogging. Like, SO MUCH! (Boring intro, I know. Sorry) I got so many things in my mind that I would blog about but the connection here SUCKS. It’s no fun blogging when the connection’s slowmo.

Ok. Moving on. That what I currently have in mind now. Few weeks before I got to Brunei, the EX has been texting me, reminding of the memories we once had together and when I asked him if he wanted us together again he just said that he was not sure and he didn’t mention if he missed me either. So I guessed he was just lonely and kept me in his contact list just because I’m like his booty-call or something. When I told my friends and Gee about this they all agreed that I should just shut him down and ignore him. They also said that they’ll ever forgive me, literally, if I were to be with him again because he’s hurt me so bad and I’ll be stupid if I’m with him again. So I told myself to just forget him. Ignore him. Shut him down.

But then I came across these:

‘Just because somebody hurt us once, it doesn’t mean that we have to permanently delete them from our phone book.’ (I know that but he DESERVED to be deleted from my phone book!)

‘Things change. People grow.’

And I thought she was gonna say 'People change.’ But she didn’t. That’s what made me think. I moved on I made it very clear to myself that I wasn’t gonna fall to my ex’s trap again. If she did say ‘People change’, then I know for sure that he is NOT gonna change. But she said ‘People grow’. And that got me thinking. I was thinking that people really did grow. I was thinking what if one day, the ex started to finally GROW and be matured and managed to think rationally about his past, no, OUR past, and came to me, what should I do then? Should I accept him again? Are my friends and family going to forgive me if I do that?

But the questions were left hanging. Unanswered. And I’m confused. I guess it’s better to just move on now and think less about him. I’ve been thinking too much about him already. I should stop. Keep calm and move my ass on. Yea, I think I’m gonna do that. Just let the future be future. We don’t wanna ruin the surprise now, do we? J

~najwa

p/s: I got that quotes from Mrs Ashley Marin of Pretty Little Liars. Yea, currently watching it. This drama got me thinking about a lot of things. Just for extra information, it was from Season 2, Episode 3. And today is Azim’s birthday. Happy birthday there old pal.