Faham. Sakit rasanya.

Skarang aku faham.
Bila dia cakap dia dah tak boleh bergurau tu macam mana rasanya.
Rasa pedih.
Not being able to joke around and hang around with someone you like without ever feeling guilty.
Sorry Atiqah. Sorry..!
:'(

~najwa

p/s: Ya Allah, dah lama tak rasa macam ni. Dugaan apa yang kau turunkan ni? Rasa sedih dan pedih hati sebijik macam masa aku break up dengan Man dulu. Ya Allah, tabahkanlah hati hambaMu yang lemah ini Ya Allah. Aku mohon daripada mu Ya Allah!

p/p/s: Banyak post luahan hati kat cni sebab dah tak boleh nak Tweet dengan bebas. Sebab memasing dah ada TweetDeck. Memasing stalk memasing. Memasing tau cerita memasing. Thank you and fuck you TweetDeck. Dan sebab aku dan Atiqah terlampau rapat sampai kami tau apa maksud Tweets kami. Kannnn? Shit bila dah terlalu rapat dan terlalu memahami. SHIT.

Saya hipokrit.

Aku berkonfrontasi dengan dia si kawan baik tadi.
Kami go all out. Heart to heart.
Dia nangis. First time dia nangis. Depan aku.
Nope, scratch that. Second time.
Dia luah semua.
Then dia cakap, 'Mesti sebab kita dah terlalu rapat.'
Aku sedih. Bila ayat tu keluar dari mulut dia, aku sentap.
Sedih. Sebak. Sunyi.
Macam masa Man mula-mula nak break up dengan aku dulu.
Macam tu la aku rasa.
Kesian jugak dia. Sebab dia jenis kawan dengan semua.
Tapi sebab aku, semua orang terasa dengan dia.
Terasa macam dia lupakan dorang.
Dan baru tadi dia mengaku yang sebenarnya dia rasa awkward.
Hari tu dia tak nak mengaku.
Bersungguh-sungguh dia menipu.
Sampai mati-mati aku percaya.
Tadi sampai menangis dia nak mengaku ke-awkward-an dia tu.
Pastu dia nangis lagi.
Dia cakap dia nak gurau dengan aku.
Nak touch-touch aku.
Nak tumbuk-tumbuk aku.
Tapi sebab dia awkward, dia tak nak buat.
Then terus kitorang jadi renggang sebab da kurang bergurau senda.
Macam apa je.
Dia jarang nak mencarut.
Tapi bila dia luah tadi, bila dia nangis, dia keluar SHIT sebijik.
Aku terkejut.
Aku tak tahan da.
Tak boleh layan lagi dah perasaan ni.
Makin di layan, makin menjadi-jadi nanti.
Dah la esok nak exam Genetik.
Tapi sebelum keluar aku cakap, 'Atiqah, sorry.'
Dia tanya kenapa?
'Sebab saya lagi tua daripada awak. Saya tak sepatutnya biar semua ni terjadi.'
Then aku terus blah.
Macam tu je.

Pastu dia text, saying everything is going to be alright.
Mulanya aku tak nak reply. Aku speechless.
Tapi aku takut dia rasa serba salah and tak boleh study, so aku reply jugak.

Shit la bila terlalu rapat. Shit la bila terlalu selesa. Shit la bila nak alone pun tak boleh.
Shit la bila terlalu bergantung kat orang.
Shit la bila orang dah tak respect kita. Shit la 2nd semester ni.
Shit.
Shit.
SHIT!

Aku balik, nak study. Tapi hati tak tenteram.
Baru hati tergerak nak bukak ayat-ayat Quran, zikir-zikir.
Aku rasa hina betul. Jijik dengan diri sendiri.
Sebab bila dah jadi macam-macam SHIT macam ni, baru aku nak dengar segala bapak zikir.
HIPOKRIT.

~najwa
p/s: Nampak tak how the word awkward boleh menjahanam kan sebuah persahabatan?!

p/p/s: Saya sayang awak Atiqah. Saya suka berkawan dengan awak. Tapi kalau dah jadi macam ni, saya pun dah tak tau nak buat macam mana dah. Sorry kerana dah mencalarkan sebuah persahabatan yang suci. Sorry. :((((

FUCK the word AWKWARD

She slept at my place a few nights ago. And when she woke up, we snuggled a bit. Under my covers. We whispered, we talked, we hugged, we snuggled. Snuggled in a way best friends would do. But maybe the sight of us snuggling are just too intimate for others to see because when I peeked outside I saw one of my roomies spying on us with a disgusted look on her face. We were shocked and we went to my best friends' room. We were absolutely clueless about what happened earlier. After few minutes of discussing, we decided to act as normal as we possibly can. And when my best friend went to pick up her toothpaste from my bathroom, she saw my roomies gossiping with each other and my best friend said to me, 'By the looks of it, I knew they were talking about us.'

Since then, everything went really awkward around us. Around most of my close friends. So, I guess the news has spread. Thank you bitch. For you and your fat mouth and for ruining my social cycle. Thank you.

~najwa

p/s: Ada sedikit penipuan dalam post ini. Cari lah kalau larat.

p/p/s: Learn your lesson Wa.

Dulu dulu dulu dan Sekarang.

Aku cuma nak lepak bilik kau macam dulu.
Buat kerja kat bilik kau macam dulu.
Gurau-gurau dengan kau macam dulu.
Kongsi masalah dengan kau macam dulu.
Pegang tangan kau sebelum tido macam dulu.
Singgah bilik kau sebelum pergi kelas macam dulu.

Semua macam dulu tanpa awkward macam sekarang.

~najwa
p/s: I fucking hate the word AWKWARD!!!

An Ending

I know what we did was wrong.
I know what I did to you was wrong.
I know what we did made you feel awkward.
But for once, can't you just consider my feelings?
But for once, can't you understand that it made me feel awkward too?
It's not easy for me too.
FUCK what we did in the past time.
I am trying very hard here to try and save our friendship back.
But if you won't cooperate, then I gave up.
I won't bounce back to you.
I feel damn rejected by you already.
What you said was true; 'Don't get too close to people, it'll just hurt ourselves.'
Thank you. Now the words backfired to us.
Thanks for being such a great listener and friend before 'it' happened.

Goodbye.

~najwa
p/s: Please let me finish Degree as soon as possible! I hate the people here!

Shitty but Happy

How can you possibly be happy and shitty at the same time?

I was extremely happy today and had so much fun but then came this little girl and she ruined my day and made me feel shitty all over again.

But you know what bebe, I just need to be around the people I like just to feel happy. I don't need to be around her to make me feel bad about me self.

~najwa

p/s: I joined a futsal match today. It was my first time and we won GOLD..! Yeayy me..!

p/p/s: Happy 21st birthday Najwa. I love you :D

Are we safe here?

That is a question that I myself did not dare answer.

There's been a war between Malaysia and the descendant of Sultan Suluk of Philippines in Lahad Datu. And I'm currently in Sandakan. Well, SPL UMS is in Sandakan. We don't how bad it's going to be and we kept asking ourselves, "Are we going to be okay?", "Are we safe here?" and parents kept calling asking how we're doing and what actually happened. The truth is, we don't know.

Map of Sabah (for your reference, just in case)

We don't know how safe or how serious this thing is right now. And what bummed us the most is the fact that the national news said that everything is under control when people are already dead with the intrusions and gun fighting.

Above: Officers that died during the gun fighting
Below: Officers that are badly injured.

And now I'm begging all of you to pray the very best for Lahad Datu. May victory will always be with us. InsyaALLAH. Amiin.

~najwa

p/s: My hands are sore from playing badminton earlier this evening.

I have a bad feeling about this.

I know I am not always a good friend. I have moodswings. I get over-sensitive at times. And now that Yusrina is gone, I feel so.. alone. So.. empty. :(

Today I volunteered to fetch Basyiroh from the airport when nobody even bothered to fetch her. I went with Wani and Kelly. It was tiring and I am getting broke. I've been out and about every single day this week, being other people's driver and that cost me money. I did invite Na and Atiq to come with me but they refused. Well, Na refused and Atiq remained silent.

When I got back, I found that Na and Atiq were out with Syikin and Intan. That made me feel sad. We used to be so close and we used to go outing together but now, everything's changed. And what with Atiq not talking to me. I don't know but ever since she got back from KL, it seems like she's been avoiding me. 

I noticed now that livestockers are always with livestockers now and crop students are always with their own group of friends. Am I that bad of a friend that all my friends seems to be leaving me out? I can't even describe how lonely I feel right now (I am about to cry).

I don't think that things will go back to normal. I don't think I will share secrets with anyone again now. I can not rely on anybody right now.

So, from today onward, I decided to be friends with everyone but not to rely on them too much. After all, when all is lost or when everybody is busy with their friends, I will always have my Obor-obor with me :')

~najwa

p/s: Already I'm so lonesome I could die. I miss Yusrina.

Another goodbye and a birthday

This post is for Yusrina Yunus.

Selama masa final exam first semester hari tu aku dah memang nampak 'kekosongan' kat jiwa Yusrina. Dia macam tak boleh nak study. Study apa pun macam tak lekat dalam otak dia. She applied for UiTM. And Alhamdulillah, she got in. Dia dapat course chemical engineering. And semalam dia fly balik semenanjung to prepare for her registration. So, goodluck Yus. We love you so much! ;) And oh! Today's Atiq's 20th birthday! Happy birthday dear. :)

From left: Haslina, Syazwani, Tatiana, Yusrina, Atiqah, Kak Dayah, Kelly
Not in picture: ME! (I'm the photographer)

Atiq's birthday cake. Happy 20th birthday Atiq. We love you.

~najwa

p/s: I'm sure gonna miss my bed buddy and I don't want another bed buddy other than her! :(

This is a story of why I hate goodbyes.

I know there's 'good' in goodbye but I think that only applies to goodbyes in failed relationships.

I've said enough goodbyes for now and most of them weren't really something I would like to repeat.

Conclusionally (is that even a word?), there are three main reasons why I really hated goodbyes.

First of all, there's my mom who'd always go overboard with her emotions every time me or my sister are going back to Malaysia after our holidays. But that's just mom. She have a very soft heart and I know all mothers would feel the same way when it's about saying goodbye to their children.

Goodbye = Letting go

Then there's fights before goodbyes. This, I experienced thrice. First there was this very devastating fight that leads to a break up goodbye. Yeah, that was the hardest goodbye so far. Then there's my mom & dad fighting just about half an hour before my flight. They were fighting about money; like they always do. At that time I was trying so hard to held back the tears in my eyes. I never felt like running away from home as much as I did at that time. It was really depressing. I couldn't look into my parents' eyes and couldn't really say my goodbyes properly. And I remember very clearly that I couldn't stop crying in the departure hall. I was alone and all puffed up and can't stop crying. That was one. Then there's another one, when I was about to leave home for university. We departed from Tg Malim and was apparently late for my flight. So dad sped up and was driving like a mad man! Speedometer shows 150 to 200 km/h. And mom couldn't stop babbling about how fast he was. But that's just mom. I know she's worried. And when we reached the airport my dad scolded my mom for all the noise but all the same was very thankful that we managed to arrive on time. That was again, another time when I had to say goodbye to a fighting pair of parents.

My little sister (G) and little brother (Aiman)

Lastly, knowing that you're about to leave something that you truly love is one of the hardest thing about saying goodbyes. I just had my semester break in Brunei for about a month and I dare say that this holiday was the best so far. Dad's finally got control of his moodswings and everybody was so grown up and very adorable already. I kind of liked being there and didn't feel like going back to uni at all. So, the morning of my flight day, I got up super early to look at my brothers and sisters for the last time before they went to school. I woke up to a grumpy Adib, my youngest brother. When mom asked him to say goodbye to me, he just shook my hand and waited outside. He wouldn't even look at me. I was a bit sad but then I just let him be. But mom told me that Adib didn't like goodbyes and are always acting like that every time someone is leaving. Later that night, when I was already in KK, mom texted me. She told me that she had dinner with Adib and they had a conversation. Here goes,

Mama: Adib, do you miss Wawa?

Adib: Yeah, I feel strange because this t-shirt smells like her *sniffs his Batman shirt* and it smells good. (Maybe because I did the laundry and I did washed that shirt)

Adib, my perfect little git!

So yeah. I haven't really cried over the last goodbye, but as I'm writing this, I'm crying. I couldn't stand it any longer. How I miss that little git and how I missed his cheeky attitude. And how I missed all of them so much right now!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I hated goodbye so much!

And are about to say yet another goodbye in a few days. A very good friend is moving out of UMS. Sad.

Me and my dad before my flight back to KK.

My mom and I before my flight back to KK.

~najwa

p/s: Can I just be a full time house maid in my parents' house?! I wanna go home! I wanna be with them always! ;(((

Final Exam

Currently kicking up some mental exercise. Final exam is here. Final exam untuk semester pertama. Kejap je dah final exam. Nanti pejam celik pejam celik, dah FINAL YEAR..! Yeayyy! (tone: sarcastic) Dream big little girl. Dream big.

Paper Intro to Agriculture, Agricultural Ecology and Etika & Akhlak dah lepas.

Next up Agricultural Chemistry. Then on the same day TITAs. Thursday Mandarin. Friday Plant Nutrition and lastly, Saturday, SISPA!!! Yeayy..!!!! :D

Next Monday, BRUNEI..! Can't wait. I'm gonna make a whole lot of lists of food to eat, to cook, to bake and a continuous list of things to-do in Brunei. I miss Brunei.

STUDY! STUDY! STUDY!

Cepatlah cepat-cepat. Cepatlah habis paper. Penat study ni. Grr...

#Study mode: ON

~najwa

p/s: Kenapa kaki cepat kebas sekarang ni ek? Kneecaps and joints problem maybe. Hmm~