Regret

If I was given one chance to turn back time it would be the time when we fought hard.
Do you remember?

That one time when I yelled, I cried and I shouted at your face?
That one time when you remained silent (but God knows what's in your heart)?
That one time when I snatched your hand when you went for the door?
That one time when I yelled and constantly pushed you around?
That one time when I pinned you to the wall and hit you like a crazy lady?
That one time when I constantly hit you but you remained motionless, clueless and silent?
That one time when I constantly hit you until it hurts you started to cry?

Yes.
That one time.

Do you remember?

Well, I do.
I remember every bit of it very clearly.
And tears always fall every time the thought of it comes into my mind.

I am very sorry.
That is one of the thing that I regret the most.
Sorry.

What a jerk I was to be hitting you like that.
You have a lot to handle and yet I made it worst.
I always realize that but somehow I can't control myself.
Scary what love can do to me.
I know.
Because it scares me too.
It makes me afraid to love people.
What good does it do if you end up hurting the ones you love?

I'm sorry. I really am.

That guilty feeling can never be erased.

:(

~najwa
p/s: Sebab tetibe teringat.

Where are you..?

Where are you?
I want to talk to you.

Where are you?
I want to hear your voice.

Where are you?
Why is it so hard to reach you?
I just wanted a nice, long chat before the long holidays.

Because I know it's gonna be hard to reach you during the holidays.

Where are you?
Because I already miss you.
So bad it hurts.
:(

~najwa
p/s: Have I not crossed your mind today? Because other thoughts were jammed in my mind just because you're always passing by.

A short note about cooking

It's already 3:30pm and I still haven't eaten anything yet.
Funny thing is, I don't feel hungry at all.
I don't feel like eating.
I don't feel like cooking.

Cooking is no fun without you.
Eating is no fun without you.

It makes me wonder how usually at 12 noon I would be crying in your ears asking you to cook or asking you, 'What should we eat today?' (I miss asking you that question. It's a routine. It's in my blood and flesh now) but today I'm awkwardly not hungry.

Something suddenly hit me. The usual times when I had asked you to cook, maybe it wasn't really because I am hungry. Maybe it was because I wanted you to eat. Maybe because I want to feed you before your gastric pain gets to you. Or maybe plainly because I enjoyed spending time with you. Cooking with you. Doing things with you. Eating with you. Do the laundry with you. Maybe because I enjoy having you around me. Maybe. Maybe that's the only reason why I always asked you to cook and to eat. You.

~najwa

Post Mortem [Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind]

I haven't eaten yet. So I wrote here instead.

I just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind.
Do you remember the movie..?
We watched the first 25 minutes and you asked me to switch it off because it was no fun.
It was a mistake. We should've watched it. It was a really interesting movie.

The female lead was like me.
Fond of oddly coloured hair.
Emotional.
Self-conscious.
'Open-book' kind of person.
Hopeless romantic.

The male lead was like you.
Cool.
Laid back.
Rational.
Persuasive.
'Closed-mouthed' kind of person.

I love the movie.
Too bad we didn't watched it together.
But luckily we didn't watched it together.
I don't know why I'm feeling this way.

Some of my favourite scenes. Can't help imagining that it was us. :X

~najwa
p/s: Belum makan sebab malas masak. I miss you.

NYR-New Year's Resolution [2014]

It's already 15th January 2014 but my new year's resolution begins only now.

I had an awesome conversation with a dear friend during a breakfast date last Monday (13th Jan). He told me something that opened up my mind. Towards everything. Towards some of the things that remained vague to me but he cleared them all up. In the end, it was clear to me what I wanted for my future. Thing is I just have to be strong.

Later that night, I had a conversation with some of my seniors who are about to leave SPL. They said one thing, but it pulled my heart out of my chest and immediately broke it to pieces.

"In the end, you'll end up being with the people in your own programme."

Sad, but true. An ex house mate of mine once said (when I'm in my first semester), "Together you'll be in the first semester, but it will all change in the upcoming semesters." And at that time, I was like, "Ferrealz? Nahh. It's not going to happen to us. We're good this way." But what goes around comes around. It was actually true. It happened. To me. Hence, this time, I'm not opposing the statement from my senior anymore. Because they knew better and it burns to accept the fact that one day, it will all happen, eventually.

So I finally ended my third semester. And honestly, it was the worst semester so far. I was on a lot of emotional rollercoaster this semester. I repeat, A LOT..! Been so long since I last have to feel jealous and sad and angry and depressed all the time. This semester the old habit is getting up to me again and I'm not up for it anymore in the next semester. It's VERY tiring and I'm done dealing with it.

Before I end up my post, let me just have a quick review on the first three semesters.

First semester-One of the finest moments in life. Fresh start. Uni life. New friends. I am happy with the life I had despite the fact that I have to battle up my feelings to a room mate I don't like (a silent battle I tell ya). And it ended up pretty well. (My results were quite good!)

Second semester-The best so far. Even though my bed buddy switched to another university in the Peninsula. Had some friendship crisis. Found love. Found soulmate. Have awesome friends. And it ended up very well. It ended up in a beautiful manner. I found something to look forward to for the next semester; F.R.I.E.N.D.S (Oh, my results maintained! :D )

Third semester-It kicked off well. All happy and jolly and jovial. But crisis builds up mid way through the semester. It was something that really upsets me. It was an END to the F.R.I.E.N.D.S in the second semester. :'( I really like them but I don't know what went wrong. Maybe it was my 'obsessive-possessive' attitude. Maybe it was love. Maybe it was jealousy. Maybe it was kindness. Maybe it was hatred. I don't know. I'm done trying to figure out what our problem was. So, in a nutshell, the third semester was hell for me. It was the worst, so far. Lessons learnt and I'm trying not to repeat the same mistakes again next semester. I know what to do now and I just got to build myself up over the holidays. Thank God for holidays! (Results? Not sure yet. Bet it was the worst this semester. :S )

[I guess having an 'obsessive-possessive' attitude does not do you any good. :( ]

I hope everything is better next semester. I can't handle any heartache anymore. Enough is enough.

Picture of the day. Lesson, to be learned.

So here's to a better 2014. And a better semester.

Aameen ya rabbal 'alamin.

~najwa

p/s: Bad headache! Due to improper bed time. Pain in the head. Sore eyes. Gurgh.

Disappointment and Hope

Mood: Disappointed

Kenapa juga?

Hati tak pernah belajaq noh? Dok buat kesilapan yang sama je.

Berapa kali akal nak bagitau? Berapa kali akal nak ajar? Mengharap pada makhluk hanya akan menyakiti hati sendiri. Mengharap hanya kepada Allah. You will NEVER be disappointed again. Jadi, for the umpteenth time, learn your lesson Najwa!!

~najwa

Wonder Women

Di soal kenapa sering merasa bahawa diri akan di tinggalkan.
Membuat diri menyoal diri kembali.

Mengapa sering merasa begitu..?

Tak percaya kah?
Paranoid kah?

Percaya. Bukan tidak.

Mungkin kerana pernah merasa tidak akan pernah ditinggalkan.
Tapi hujungnya di tinggalkan juga.
Paranoid. Ya.

Paranoia terhadap yang satu itu sampai loya.
Melampau.
Melampau kau Wawa.

Sejujurnya memang tak berani untuk taruh harapan.
Kerna jika harapan tak diberi makan,
Sakitnya meraban.

Salahkah berperasaan begini? Sila terangkan ke aku.

~najwa

Long Kisses

Those long kisses that I dedicated solely to you,
They contain long private message.
Messages I can't tell you in person.
:')

~najwa
p/s: I love you so.

Will you be there?

Sometimes I wonder,

will you be there when I needed you most?
will you be there to hold me when I'm in the most vulnerable state?
will you be there to look after me when I'm sick?
will you be there to hug me when I am at lost?
will you be there to pull me back when I go astray?
will you be there to cook for me when I'm hungry?

Will you miss me, as I will?

~najwa

Never

Never say what you don't mean.
Cause it'll hurt even more.

Amek balik kata-kata tu.
Tarik balik kata-kata tu.
Makan balik kata-kata tu.
Telan balik kata-kata tu.

~najwa
p/s: Siapa yang menemani? Siapa yang selalu meninggalkan?

"Good if you understand."

Good if I understand.
Yang kau nak berhenti.

Good if engkau jugak understand
Yang aku juga dalam proses nak berhenti.

So takdela kau main lenjan je perasaan aku.

~najwa
p/s: Setiap apa pun yang terjadi, mesti aku yang bermasalah. Pernah terpikir tak??

Rasa

How I basically feel now:

FUCK LIFE..! FUCK LIFE..!! FUCK LIFE..!!!

~najwa
p/s: Bagusla tu Wawa. Bercakap macam orang yang takde agama.

Fear

I fear;

the day you'll forget me
the day you'll leave me
the day you'll stop needing me
the day you'll stop listening to me
the day you'll stop holding my hands
the day you'll stop hugging me
the day you'll stop staring into my eyes
the day you'll stop disturbing me.

But what I fear most is,
the day you'll stop loving me.

And every time those nasty thoughts came into my mind,
I would silently stare at you
And would silently scream in my heart,
Saying, "Please don't leave me."

Just. Please. Don't.

:'(

~najwa
p/s: Cara bercakap macam nak berpisah. Cara berkelakuan pun sama. Should I be worried? :'(
Happy 2014.
Tetibe terkenang,
pernah dulu kau kata takut untuk tinggal bersama kerana takut kau tak dapat kawal perasaan bila aku message or gayut or chat dengan orang lain. Ironinya, aku yang takut sebenarnya. Bila setiap dering mesej kau, bila setiap dering Facebook chat kau berkumandang. Hati gelisah. Fear of losing you is what it really is.